Chapter 2.5 – STOP! In the name of love!

May 16, 2013 by janeeyreforce 22 Comments

Welcome back to the meaty escapades of the Darroch legacy! Please watch out for projectile moist Dorito crumbs.
I worry about my memory at times. It’s been what, three…four days since I last updated? Not very much time at all and yet I have literally no idea what happened during the last chapter. But never fear! I have it opened in another tab. Not that you really needed to know any of this. Anyway, here’s a recap:
Connor got intimate with the squishy interior of an unfortunate pumpkin. Laura was stalked by two hamplanets. Connor tried to make a move on his son-in-law. Lily gave birth to the blue haired Fritz. Noelle aged up into a child. Laura nearly caused her grandson to have a panic attack, and Connor ignored both of  his grandchildren in favour of a blank computer screen.
Despite being generally terrible at her duties as a grandmother, Laura has left a pot of horribly chewy toffee in her room for Noelle and Fritz. Apparently you are not an official grandparent until you have that somewhere in your house. That, or those hardboiled strawberry sweets that I can never seem to find for sale anywhere, yet elderly people always seem to have them in abundance.

Laura finally managed to escape the gravitational pull of her two hefty stalkers and spent some ‘quality time’ (WOO HOO TIME AWWWYEEEAAAAH * fires gun into ceiling * ) with Connor.
They are so adorable and harmless when they sleep. It’s a shame that they scare animals and children when they are awake.

It was decided that another famed Darroch family outing should occur. Generally, this is never a very good idea as something awkward or disturbing always seems to happen. I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seats with antici…
pation.
The trip actually isn’t a total disaster from the get go. Patterns spent most of his time in the park with Noelle and Fritz, although he does seem to quite openly favour his son. Hopefully Noelle wont end up with daddy issues. Only…this IS the Darroch family, so I’m sure something will damage Noelle’s psyche in some shape or form along the way.

…Maybe it already has. The playground can be a traumatizing place.
Noelle is turning out to be pretty awesome. I’m already seeing possible traces of her grandmother creeping forth in her facial expressions. I’m really quite excited to see how her personality and traits will develop as she gets older.

So I started panning the camera around without really paying attention and then I came across THIS. It was honestly like a jump scare, my heart rate took a while to get back to normal I tell you.
I’m not even sure who this is. Although I think he might be a teen I made and dumped at random into the town who then proceeded to age horribly. I kind of hope he breeds. I want a town full of horror and meaty eyebags.

Laura decided to abandon the family as soon as she got the chance and eventually ambled over to a crane game. I was pretty happy about this as it meant she would be distracted enough to stay out of trouble, not to mention she started pulling the most fantastic faces.

“STOP. In the naaaame of love! Before you break my heart!”
I sometimes think Connor would have been more suited to a performance career of some kind. However, I’m worried he’ll start using props…phallic props. Big ones.

There are times where I want to reach through the screen and just crush her face because she is making some kind of adorable facial expression. This is one of those times.

I never really feel that way with Lily.

Connor: “Oh, beautiful stranger in a jumpsuit. Let me serenade you whilst I levitate for no reason!
“Baby baby, I’m aware of where you go
Each time you leave my door
I watch you walk down the street
Knowing your other love you’ll meet~!”
Patterns: “I don’t want to exist anymore.”
I half expected Patterns to intervene due to his forbidden crush on his father-in-law, but instead he just stood there looking painfully awkward for quite a while. Can’t say I blame him. 

Is that who I think it is? Bob Ross..? The one true god. Suck it Cage.  I’d recognize that majestic mane of hair anywhere!

I like Noelle. Noelle does whatever the hell Noelle wants to do because fuck consequences. Bored of your insane family’s outing? BIKE THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND DON’T LOOK BACK.
No, seriously. Don’t look back. The creeper in red is behind you.

Connor often ignores dat ass in favour of the freshly grown and supple emerald skin of his cucumbers. Not that Laura seems to mind. Oh no, she has more important matters to attend to…

Such as arguing with a demonic chicken. See? Very important. She’s practically a chicken-head diplomat among the hen folk. She is the only one in the house who can speak their language. Take that as you will.

Ah, yes. An egg. Quite possibly the equivalent of finding the Holy Grail for our founder.
* sigh * She looks so proud.

Luckily for Noelle, she has found some solace in spending time with her younger brother. Her grandparents tend to leave her alone when she’s with Fritz. His novelty wore off for them as soon as he started dispensing turd bombs.

It’s birthday time again! This time it’s Connor’s turn, so of course his son turns up with a plate full of wonderfully phallic and meaty sausages.
He knows his father so well. Almost brings a tear to my eye. Sniff.

Lily still hasn’t broken her creepy habit of staring disapprovingly whenever her younger brother and his heavily pregnant wife show affection towards one another.

“Gosh, I just love being a brony! I sure wish I could afford to buy a fedora and grow a beard on my neck.”
“Yeah? Well ‘MURICAN eagles could rip the freedom right out of those ponies, you pussy!”
Ba-dum-tish.
…That was terrible and I hate myself. 

Huh, look at that. To celebrate this occasion Lily made found a way to make her mouth transform into a super massive black hole.
Wow.

Of course, as with all birthdays, there was a huge queue as everyone tried to get out of the door at once. Why couldn’t Patterns just take those few steps forward and GET OUT SO EVERYONE ELSE CAN SEE THE PARTY TOO, UGH.

Check out this silver fox!
I’m just relieved his face didn’t cave in. I still wake up in a cold sweat from time to time since that ordeal.

…I think I finally figured out where Lily and Noelle get their intense love of cake from.

I think the crippling reality of the fact that he is married with a baby on the way finally dawned on Archer.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.” 

Connor’s transformation into an elder seems to have added even more fuel to the fire that is Laura’s libido. She was constantly playing grab-ass with him throughout the party, much to the open-mouthed horror of their children and grandchildren.

I…uh, that really isn’t how you do it.
I can only imagine what their Woo-Hoo life is like.
 I guess there will be a lot of old balls and loose skin now. No wait, I don’t want that mental image.
…
Stop brain, stop!

From cucumbers to pumpkins, then back to cucumbers again and now apples. Connor’s passions are just flying all over the place here. I guess he’s experimenting and has discovered he just can’t commit himself to one vegetable, and now he’s trying out fruit.
Lock up your bananas.

I got bored and gave Lily a makeover. All I did was change her hair colour and make her lipstick a little more obvious, but I think she looks great!
The dress is just her formal wear. I haven’t changed her everyday clothes.

“Oooh gurrrrrl, I think you look trashy.”
Mango can be such a bitch.

Laura still doesn’t have much love for her daughter-in-law and therefore challenged her to an apple bobbing competition in the hopes of using it as an opportunity to drown her.
Later, when caught midway though her attempt she mumbled something about being possessed by a demonic fowl.

Pattern’s look of confusion suggests that he isn’t quite sure who Lily is. You know, I have a similar problem. If you change your hair or grow a beard I probably wont recognise you. I’m easy to trick. :<
Anyway, they knocked boots and the lullaby theme played so I’m going to assume Lily is pregnant again. Yay!
I’ll end the chapter here because it is now 1:00am and sleep is starting to sound like the best idea ever.
Thanks for reading!