The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 3.10 Dead animal heads



(Sorry for the lack of fancy title page, I forgot)
Hello, and welcome back to the Darroch legacy! As always, I’ll start by apologising for the long wait. I’ve had a very stressful couple of weeks and haven’t had a lot of time to play The Sims. However, things should calm down with the holiday season and you’ll be able to ‘enjoy’ regular updates. Just the thing to make you want to regurgitate your Christmas dinner! Well, at least you wont suffer from holiday weight gain. This blog does have its uses.
Anyway, the last time we saw these sociopaths the heirs grew into teens and proceeded to immediately alienate themselves from the residents of Midnight Hollow. I have a horrible feeling they are going to cause the end of the family line. NOBODY LIKES THEM.


It seems that rather than listening to Merlin’s insane ramblings about the best way to bake a bearded dragon or how charity auctions should provide meat balloons, this young woman would rather slip into a self-induced coma.
It is understandable. I think most people would rather suffer from a debilitating physical condition than listen to one more moment of ‘why bearded cake is the best cake’ or learn about the wonders of stuffed chicken with brown candles.
Merlin: “I own a sandcastle guarded by military crabs.”


Fortunately, even the Darroch clan is capable of picking up on social cues from time to time. But only if they are made painfully obvious. Once the gym users began creating salt circles around Merlin, Arthur and Hopfrog (they were too scared of Scáthach) and chanting, they figured they were no longer welcome.
Instead, they took to terrorising the poor Sims at the local park. However, Merlin somehow managed to get through a conversation without grossly offending someone. I nearly entered a state of shock.
Nadia: “I have never seen the sun!”
Merlin: “I have teenage urges. Can you help?”
Nadia: “I am 20 days older than you.”
I guess that’s a ‘no’ then.


From what I’ve been able to discern so far, Midnight Hollow is filled with the ghosts of small children.
Either there was a murderer rampant before the Darroch’s arrived or Albert simply hasn’t wasted any time in attempting to break some kind of personal record for ‘most Sims killed in a week’.


Policeman: “Yo boy get the heck offa the streets or I’ll spank yo’ ass like a primed canvas.”
Merlin: “That doesn’t even make sense.”
Policeman: “Ballers don’t have to make sense. Keepin’ it G ain’t nuttin’.”


Connor: * happy emotions relating to vegetable matter *
Arthur: Much hatred. So rage. Such anger.”
Connor: * in a coma *


Hopfrog: “Ahaha, hey! Why did the LOSER DEMON chicken cross the road?”
Effed up chicken: ‘Cause I heard you talkin’ shit ’bout me like I wouldn’t find out. You best ready yo’ bitch-ass ’cause it’s time to RAIN THE PAIN DOWN MOTHERCLUCKER.”
Hopfrog: “That was a terrible pun.”
Effed up chicken: “I will end you.”


I just realised that I never gave the traditional ‘tour of the new house’ during my last update so you’re getting it now instead. I’m happy about this because I love useless filler.
So, this is the totally ballin’ dining room complete with dead animal heads nailed to the wall. I am irrationally proud of how I re-decorated this room.
Laura: “I’m going to eat that stag.”


Here we have the study, complete with a hand carved chair coated in the menstrual fluids of 1000 virgins, or some cliche shit like that.


Standard basin filled with blood.


Connor: “Now then, I think it is high time we had the talk.”
Merlin: “I don’t have time for such a pointless discussion.”
Connor: “Now that you’re older, you may find that-“
Merlin: “Please, Grandfather. They covered this in sex ed.”
Connor: “Huh? No, I was just going to say that you’re the first mutant cucumber I’ve ever grown. I didn’t even know vegetables could grow antlers.”
Merlin: “…Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?”
Connor: “I’m proud of you, vegetable of my heart!”


Back to the tour!
I am in love with this sofa. I edited the patterns and colours so that the tear looks like muscle. I feel like I need a flesh pattern to replace the checkerboard fabric.


Every house needs a secret sex dungeon!
Of course to literally no one’s surprise, Connor and Laura immediately claimed this as their own. It has a conveniently placed window so they can cause permanent mental scarring to any accidental onlookers. Yay!


There is also a spooky watch tower in the back garden. For whatever reason, it’s my favourite part of the whole lot.


The upstairs master bedroom, which as of yet has not been claimed. Dorian deemed it ‘2spooky4me’ and promptly fled downstairs to cry bitter tears into the disgusting and incredibly unhygienic blood-filled basin. I don’t think he likes Midnight Hollow.


For the time being, the Darroch siblings are sleeping in the living room due to there being a shortage of appropriate bedding.
Hopfrog takes this stellar opportunity to creepily watch everyone as they sleep.
Hopfrog: “I’m still really pissed off about that chicken.”


The Darroch’s very first morning in Midnight Hollow begins with Merlin demonstrating a complete disregard for the rules of physics.
Scáthach: “How is it that you manage to completely mess up even the most basic of tasks?”
Merlin: “Shut up! I make my own rules! This chair doesn’t own me! You’re not my real dad!”
Teen angst rears its ugly and acne ridden head.


I caught Connor performing some kind of awkward and ritualistic dance in the front garden, baring his lily white legs to all. He clearly has no intention of improving the neighbour’s current opinion of this family.
Connor: “I’m performing a rain dance!”
Well, I’m sure the neighbors are now performing a get-the-fuck-away dance.


Laura: “Awwyeah! Check it out! It’s a shower and a toilet combined!”
Connor: “Do me on it.”
Time to leave. Quickly. There is still time before the viagra kicks in.


FINALLY. At least one of these useless pieces of crap has made a friend! Merlin bought this lovely lady home with him. Potential girlfriend material, perhaps? Although she seems to be making bedroom eyes at Scáthach.


…She took one look at the rest of the family and immediately decided to leave.
Maggie: “I hate you all. Bye.”
Smart lass.


Only 5 minutes after she left and Arthur decided to blow up her phone with calls until she answered.
Maggie: “What?”
Arthur: “Why did you leave? I bought you a flowepot with real dirt in it and everything!”
* click *


Arthur does not take rejection gracefully.


In other news, Merlin is pregnant.
Merlin: “H-how can this be?! I must take after mother…”
Nah, I’m just psyching you out. Laura fed them some trash she dug out of a nearby dumpster and cleverly disguised it with delicious frosting. But we’ll let Merlin believe he’s knocked up.


Laura contemplates the existential qualities of cereal.
Laura: “My grandchildren are a blight and I hate them. There’s a perfectly good floor over there, ya know. My breakfast has a better quality of life than I do.”


Looks like all that incredibly disturbing rain dancing worked after all.
Connor: “I want to grow another Merlin.”
No you fucking don’t.


Scáthach has discovered the joy of basketball.
Scáthach: “Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down.”
Scáthach: “And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there-“
There is no seating available so GOODBYE.


Oh dear, this really isn’t much better than his sister’s misguided attempts at cringe-inducing 90’s rap. There is a reason we are hovering outside of the window here. Nobody on earth wants to hear a screeching and poorly tuned rendition of ‘3 blind mice’. I’m surprised his ears aren’t gushing torrents of blood.


Of course, we can’t have a chapter without somebody being completely inappropriate towards a member of their own family.
Patterns: “Awwyeah, I’d like to rattle your bones.”
Laura: “Why don’t you come over here and possess my body?”
Lily: “Seriously guys, what the hell? I’m floating right here.”


There must be something in the air, because Albert managed to become even creepier and more inappropriate than ever before.
Albert: “I noticed your wife didn’t follow you to Midnight Hollow, dear cousin.”
Dorian: “Please let go of my hands.”
Albert: “I have a selection of high quality skins in my basement. I could fashion you a new wife with which to warm your bed.”
Dorian: “You’re really, really sweaty.”
Albert: “Oh, you make me that way.” CREEP LEVEL IS OVER 100% CAPACITY.


Albert: “Wait! I could show you a selection of swatches!”
Dorian: “Nope!”
Albert: “But they are in fantastic condition! I moisturise them daily!”
Dorian: * vomits into nearby shrubbery *


Well lookie here, Scáthach managed to befriend a girl named Cecilia Evans.
Scáthach has a friend. An actual friend. She’ll be a hero amongst her siblings. None of them have managed this basic task as they have the emotional and social capabilities of a wet sock.


So I Dorian stopped being a lazy deadbeat shithead and finally decided to do something about the bedding situation.
My his solution was to dump all of his children into the cold and dirty basement. But at least the beds are comfy!
…I bet Albert would be jealous.


Everything about this reeks of social failure. That, and sweaty armpits.
Maggie: “Please don’t invite me over here again.”


Maggie: “I wish to escape now, so excuse me whilst I melt into the ground and turn into half an umbrella.”
Scáthach: “Hi, Maggie.”
Maggie: “I’m not Maggie! I am merely a broken umbrella. Move along now.”
Arthur: “HEART HURTS. 😥 “


I decided the family needed to get out of the house at take another shot at mixing with the locals. Of course, as soon as they arrived at the festival a beeline was made toward the hotdog competition. Connor will take any excuse to perfect his technique.
Connor: “It’s an art, you know!”
Scáthach: “I won using the combined power of friendship and raw hatred.”
…I feel sorry for Cecilia.


Even the paparazzi in this town look incredibly cool! That green afro is brilliant and I feel sad that I didn’t personally design this sim. She looks like she stepped straight out of the Hunger Games world (the Capitol, of course).


Maggie: “Hmm, I feel like I could compose a song about your crotch from down here.”
Connor: “…Why is that umbrella talking?”
Maggie: “I will call it ‘Tube Snake Boogie’.
Connor: “Seriously, what the fuck?”
Arthur: “MAGGIE LIKE?”
Maggie: “Maggie does not.”
Connor: “Listen boy, I’m whacked out on about half a ton of weed right now so maybe don’t take my advice to heart, but you really shouldn’t waste your time attempting fornication with what looks like a broken umbrella just kinda…sticking up out of the ground there.”
Sage advice. You can’t really disagree with it.


It’s not a real outing without a shitty family portrait!
Wow Hopfrog, way to be a total dick and block nearly everyone out of the picture completely.
Anyway, sorry that not a lot happened in this chapter – it’s really not my best. As I said, it’s a stressful time for me right now and I think I did a poor job of hiding my distraction during this chapter. Hopefully the next update will be better.
Oh, and there is a bonus at the end of this! I recently entered a Sims related competition over at the Simmer’s Sanctum forums, and have included the little story I wrote for it at the end of this entry.


Awwyeah, Nervous Subject! That’s it, Midnight Hollow is my favourite world ever.




Haha, what the fuck Lucy?


Anonymous LOSER.


Right. So here is my short story. It is horribly melodramatic!
Corvidae Avem – The lonely bard.
I bade my heart more constant be.
I bade it keep the world away,
And grow a home for only thee
– Matthew Arnold
Recluse. Hermit. Waif. Those are the words that accurately sum up my existence. Lately, with increasing regularity I catch myself clumsily mumbling them like a mantra over and over, almost relishing the way my tongue trips awkwardly over their pronunciation. Vocal efforts have become a challenge for me now, after remaining silent for so many years.


I wasn’t always this way. Before I died there was nothing I loved more than to socialise. Usually deep within the stagnant belly of some disgusting rat plagued pub, knocking back a hearty ale with some rather questionable company and passing the evening by in a drunken blur. Not everyone’s idea of a good time, but it suited me just fine.


I used to live life as a travelling bard, never staying in one place for very long. I called myself Corvidae Avem – musician extraordinaire and took great pleasure seeing the delight in the faces of those who stopped to watch me perform. But now…now I can’t even picture them. I can only watch people from a distance, envying them as they go about their busy lives.


But you see, travelling has its disadvantages. Fatal disadvantages. I was a scapegoat! I didn’t do it, I swear! Framed. I’m not capable of murder. But who would trust a passing stranger? No one, as I so cruelly found out. I was sentenced to a public hanging. Even now, I can feel the burn of the rope against my neck and the terrible sound of my own choking.


Death has a heart. Did you know? It is smaller and more bitter than a penny dipped in vinegar. Black as pitch. But it exists and it beats. It can be moved, if only a little. Not by words but by music. I’m lucky, I know that. But I don’t feel that way. In fact, I don’t feel much of anything anymore.


There is a price for cheating Death of his true job. Oh, eternal life might sound wonderful but not when you are damned to spend it within the confines of the same suffocating walls each and every day. I can never sleep. I can’t even escape into dreams. I see only Death, and now he is the only one who will watch me play my beloved violin. The nightly performances leave me feeling bitter and empty.


…How long have I been here? For a time, I mapped the change of days but I soon stopped. It only made it worse. Where are the friends I made? What happened to them?
They are long gone and only I remain.
Just like the dahlia
Death comes in all its beauty
And so I stroke her petals
Push my feet root-deep
Into the composted soil
– Mark R. Slaughter


Author: janeeyreforce

14 thoughts on “Chapter 3.10 Dead animal heads

  1. I was cracking up throughout this chapter… as usual. Sorry to hear about your busy life though, I hope it slows down for you. Lovely story at the end too!

  2. Oh mai. You’ve got yourself one fucked up generation here, my dear.

  3. Laura: “Awwyeah! Check it out! It’s a shower and a toilet combined!”
    Connor: “Do me on it.”
    This made me gag a little, I’m not going to lie. lol

    If HOPFROG thinks you’ve made a terrible pun, you’ve definitely gone wrong somewhere. Way to go, scary-ass chicken.

    It took me a million years to comment because I had to run errands in the middle of reading this update, so I definitely understand about the busy life. I hope yours calms down for you soon!

    I really liked the story at the end! Oddly enough, I used to play an RPG character named Corvidae. I love ravens, crows, etc. so that was pretty exciting for me. The story was very lovely… it helps that I’ve always loved violins, and they’re music always seems so haunting. Works out well for your tale. Good luck with the contest!

    • I felt pretty sick writing that part. Ugggh.

      Hey, no worries! We all have other commitments.

      Haha, what a coincidence! She’s supposed to be a magpie lady. I absolutely adore that particular group of birds, too. ❤ I came second in the contest, I'm pretty happy with that!

  4. Okay, so I’m finally caught up with the Darrochs! And, I can tell you, it makes me so sad to know that now I’ll have to wait for next chapter :’-(.

    Sorry I haven’t been commenting much, this insanely glitchy family usually leave me utterly speechless, seriously! LOL I wish I could come up with some funny, witty remarks they naturally deserve.

    Oh, I really liked the story at the end, it was lovely <3.

  5. Oh man, Midnight Hollow is perfect for this family. Well, all except Dorian, but Merlin has replaced him as the Darroch of my heart so whatevs.

    MOTHERCLUCKER. I laughed, does that count for anything?

    “Shut up! I make my own rules! This chair doesn’t own me! You’re not my real dad!” Yeah, you tell ‘em! Merlin ftw!

    Wow, that paparazzi gal is basically Effie Trinket’s dark twin. “May the odds be NEVER in your favour *cackle*”

    Why the hell does someone always have to ruin the family portraits by sticking their face right up in the camera? EA’s gotta learn a few things about perspective. It worked beautifully that time when it was Albert though. 😛

    Loved the story! You certainly have a way with words.

  6. Okay hi first I want to say I’m so glad I got myself a wordpress account because now I can comment without being an anonymous freak. I basically read all your legacy on my small cellphone screen and I simply ADORED IT!
    This generation is the best yet 😀 I can’t even comprehend how someone like Dorian managed to have fucked up children like those! Also, I find Merlin adorable!

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