The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 2.6 – Ham overload


Welcome back to the slimy sensations of Darroch legacy! New readers, ever wondered what the inside of a pumpkin feels like on your most intimate of areas? Wonder no longer! All such things can be found within the darkest depths of this legacy.
Last time we saw this group of losers Connor had just finished growing some lose skin and older balls due to aging up into an elder. That is literally the only thing of note that happened, aside from the disastrous outing at the park.
I also suspect that Noelle has an incredibly inappropriate crush on her uncle. She spent the entirety of Connor’s birthday party following Archer around like a lost puppy and snapping pictures of him on her cell whenever he wasn’t looking. I think she’s going to be a lot more interesting than her mother, which isn’t exactly a hard task considering Lily is boring as shit. Oh hey Lily, what are you doing? Staring out of windows and fishing. Always.

Mango partied too hard and passed out on the lawn next to the flowerbed. He then proceeded to dream about bugs and nothing else.
“Oh baby, you are one fiiiiine looking ladybug. Why don’t yo’ shake them spots over this way and give daddy Mango some of that sweet-ass sugar. Mmmhmmm.”

Whenever I accuse Lily of being horrendously boring she pulls shit like this to prove me wrong. It terrifies me. I mean holy balls just look at the hatred in her face. She looks like she could shoot wasps out of her eyes.
As you can tell, she isn’t a huge fan of Archer’s wife (who by the way, I have incorrectly been refering to as Holly, when in fact her name is Shellie).

She then proceeded to mock Shellie with such vulgarity and hatred that I actually fell in love a little bit. But who wants to place bets that this piss and vinegar Lily is a one-off thing and she will soon return to her usual boring self? I do!

Apparently Lily’s personality performing a complete 180 kick-flip shocked Shellie into labour. Of course rather than call an ambulance or try to help out, Lily decided to start screaming andĀ panickingĀ  despite the fact that she literally popped a baby out of her own vagoo only four days ago.
My husband took this moment to tell me that sim noises gross him out. I couldn’t really disagree with that.

Let’s see what the res of the family is up to…
Connor is having his own private and very meaty hot sausage-fest by the looks of it. At least he’s completely unfazed by the terrifying noises coming from the next room.

Shellie makes a wise decision and proceeds to get the hell out of Dodge.
Don’t look back. Not unless you want a facefull of eye-wasps.

I took this screenshot of Noelle’s first day of school because at the time I had some really dumb witty caption in my head to go with it. But I’ve completely forgotten what it was.

I have no idea why Lily is always wearing her dressing gown. I’m pretty sure it’s not her maternity wear because I don’t even think she’s pregnant yet.
In other news, her hair has a taste for toddlers.

Reading ‘Whalers Plays The Sims’ (you should read that legacy because it is awesome) made me want to buy the Darrochs a little red pickup truck because WHY NOT. It doesn’t look rusty enough, though. I feel that everything they own should be rusty, slimy or mouldy in some way.

I swear Connor is obsessed with cake or something. I don’t really ever tell my sims to eat, I just leave it up to them so it’s not as if I’m telling him to eat this shit all the time, it’s just what he automatically goes for whenever available.
But look at the pure joy it brings him! Along with a cricked neck, apparently.

So this happened. No, I don’t have poseplayer or any of its other variants. These two are just naturally fabulous (and glitchy).
Oh look, that fleshy planet of a reporter is back. Return of the Hambeast part deux.


Oh shit. Looks as if he followed the family home when they left the park yesterday. He also must have aged up in the process, because his hairstyle has changed quite dramatically.
All Noelle knows about him so far is that his name is Lawrence and he really likes the colour red. Either that or he has a fascination with shark week.
It would be really great if he could stop harassing small children.

So the entire family forgot that Fritz had a birthday coming up, and he began his transformation all alone in his parent’s bedroom. He didn’t seem particularly traumatized by it, though. I guess exploding in a shower of sparkles while your body stretches unnaturally is perfectly normal and acceptable.

What the hell.
Makeover time!

Yup. That’s exactly how your eyes should look. Maybe I should have kept the awesome muscle suit…
Also, I have a real lack of decent hair for male child sims. In fact there seems to be a lot of great hair for woman and not so much for men. Boo. Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

I don’t think there will be much sibling rivalry with these two, despite being in competition for the title of heir (at least until a third kid comes along).
I’m a little sad. I was hoping to pit them in fights against each other, and the winner would become heir after eating the hearts of the defeated siblings.
Aw yeah, that would be so freaking sweet. I should totally be making expansion packs for this game.

Any excuse to get those eagles out, eh Laura? At least she’s not hysterically weeping this time.

Stop being nice to one another.
One of you should be using that plank of wood to beat the other into bloody submission, gorram it!

Ever since I bought this for them, all Connor does is challenge everyone to apple bobbing competitions. By this stage he must be really godly at it, because it’s what he spends every spare moment of his time doing. Sometimes to the point of pissing himself.

Ooh, what be this? Looking at creepy vegetable fetish porn again?

Nope (for once)! Connor has booked a holiday in Champs Les Sims for himself, Laura and the grand-kids. Oh no.
So, next time we’ll get to see them unleash their own brand of disturbing charm on innocent locals. Should be a lot more interesting than this chapter was (sorry that nothing really happened). OH MAN AREN’T YOU JUST SO EXCITED YOU COULD PUKE?! YEAAAAAH. * unleashes a ballsack of eagles *

In other news:

Looks like Shellie made it to the hospital in one piece.

Connor achieved his lifetime wish!


Author: janeeyreforce

12 thoughts on “Chapter 2.6 – Ham overload

  1. Aww! Thank you for the wonderful shout-out! I like the Darrochs’ new truck. I’m sure it will become slimy and moldy very soon. I can see Connor hauling home a lot of cucumbers with it.

    Fritz is a cutie! I like that he and Noelle get along. Half the time my Sim kids fight or ignore each other. :/

    Hooray for Connor using the computer for non-vegetable purposes! Looking forward to the adventures in Champs Les Sims. Keep Connor and Laura out of the nectar though. Bad things will happen!

    • No problem, I love your legacy! I sure hope that truck will become coated in a fine layer of cucumber slime~

      Fritz looks okay in that photos I’ve taken, but from certain angles his facial structure is a little off. Plus he has pudding face. So far Noelle has been a lot more interesting. However, we’ll soon see what baby number three brings!

      OH MAN. So far Champs Les Sims has been AWESOME. No idea why I didn’t take full advantage of that expansion pack sooner!

  2. Connor definitely looks like an older, greyer Daniel Craig (as James Bond) in the picture with the photographer!


  4. Get someone knocked up with Laurence’s baby!

  5. Blargg. Cake. My sims do it too! And Fritz has the same eyes as Amelia and Roscoe. :3
    Oh lawd I can’t wait for holiday time. The gonna fuck dat place uuuuuuup. HOLLA.

    I also thought the chapter was called Ham Overlord. I am disappoint, Laura. Very dissapoint.

    • Holiday chapter is up now, I just haven’t posted it to reddit yet. xD They did indeed fuck that place up, yo.

      Overlord would have been way better, you’re right. Damn.

  6. Congrats to Connor and yay!! for vacation time and freaking out locals!
    On a lighter note I hope Noelle is deceiving us and really has hidden evil motives against her little brother Fritz.
    Here is to all that and more from my favorite legacy. ^ ^

  7. I know what you mean by the lack of good male hairstyles – especially those that look decent on children. You should check out Lapiz Lazuli, there are some really nice ones there. But it’s okay, Fritz is still adorable.

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