The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 3.9 – Coulrophobia Catastrophe!

17 Comments

Well, balls. As usual this update is much later than I wanted it to be. However, for once I have a valid excuse! I was studying for some exams as part of a job application. Well, it paid off because I now work from home for Google (I hate people so this is flippin’ great). Oh, and Pokemon X kinda sorta came out…ahem. 
Anyway, are you ready to be sprayed with the organic love of a horrifyingly large gourde? If not then fuck off because you are clearly in the wrong place. However, if old balls and phallic vegetables get your motor running then keep reading because this shit will be like crack for you.
The last time we saw this group of lunatics was a really long time ago so an update is definitely needed. Here is the brief version: Dorian took the kids on holiday and proceeded to bang someone who was not his wife. He got divorced as soon as he returned home. Patterns passed away. Lily’s ghost decided to visit the family. Connor was naked.
Do you feel a bit sick? I do.

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I have no idea how Laura managed to get a tan considering she very rarely leaves the house, but okay.
Connor: “lol look at how much my glorious gourde has shrunk with old age!”
Laura: “I must document your mangina and share it on a public social networking site where our close friends and family can see it.”
Connor: “lol okay.”

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Look who came to visit (and then ignored everyone in favour of the his one true vice – the waterslide)! I’m so glad that Lily and Patterns have been actively haunting the place so eagerly. It almost feels like they never died.
Well, until Lily starts possessing various objects around the house which usually ends with Connor coming close to having a long overdue heart attack and sobbing uncontrollably for 2 hours. On the plus side it gives Dorian an excuse to faint and garner attention.

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Just a rebellious car ignoring the rules of physics.

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Old age has not been kind to Connor…or his great-grandchildren for that matter.
Connor: “Hey, it was laundry day!”
That is not excuse to subject young children to a lifetimes worth of emotional and mental scarring.
Connor: “Hey, Arthur! D’you wanna hear a story about-“
Arthur: “Οἱ δὲ Φοίνιϰες σὺν Κάδ[][μῳ.”
Congratulations Connor! You broke the kid.

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So I found this screenshot and I couldn’t remember if I included it with the last update. Basically, Dorian achieved his LTW through the power of friendship.
Just kidding, he got it by dicking a lot of vag and just generally being a humongous piece of shit.

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Laura is pale again. I don’t know where she suddenly gained the ability to change skin colours but I don’t like it. Very Buffalo Bill.
Laura: “Put the lotion in the basket.”
What?
Laura: “I said that ghostly turd still owes me three fiddy.”

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Connor: “Haha! It appears I am not the only one with unfortunate looking genitalia!”
Laura: “Unless you want that weiner of yours to get even smaller, I suggest you shut up.”
I should probably mention I’ll be mailing out sick buckets to all my readers from now on. I’m not covering your medical expenses, however.

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I decided to see what Dorian was up to and found him curled up on his parent’s bed.
I never though he would ever punch me in the heart. 😥

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I may as well rename this blog ‘HEY LOOK IT IS ALBERT’ as he is honestly my favourite part of this whole legacy right now. But at the same time I feel like he could murder me. Sometimes I feel like he could even crawl out of my laptop screen if he really wanted to and-
That’s enough. I want to sleep tonight.

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♫ “Bus stop, wet day, she’s there, I say
Please share my umbrella
Bus stop, bus goes, she stays, love grows
Under my umbrella…” ♫

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♫ “All that summer we enjoyed it
Wind and rain and shine
That umbrella, we employed it
By August, she was mine…” ♫
You know, I could probably stick the lyrics to the most upbeat pop song ever on here, and when paired with Albert’s face it would still be horrifying and nightmare inducing.

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Dorian: “Oh. Look everybody. It is my favourite relative in the entire world. I love you Albert. Please don’t kill me.”
Wow. So convincing.
Connor: “Fuck off, Albert.”
Connor has the courage of a million angry tigers.

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Albert: “Oh, sweet cousin. Your skin is even softer than that of my wife.”
Dorian: “Uh…I don’t…what?”
Albert: “So, so soft…”
Dorian: “What even happened to your wife?! I’ve literally never met the woman.”
Albert: “She’s still around, dear cousin. I have a dress made from her lovely skin. I wear it from time to time. So soft…”
It was around this point I noped out and went for a walk.

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Merlin is still hell-bent on winning over Hopfrog in his delusional attempt to thwart the plans he believes Scáthach has against him.
Merlin: “I bought you a gift, dear sister!”
Hopfrog: “Oooh!”
Laura: “You’re a lying shit. That’s an empty box. I saw you wrapping it.”
Merlin: “It’s the thought that counts!”
Laura: “Careful. Your horns are showing.”
Old age must be great, because you can make strange and weird statements that sound like curses purely because you’re wrinkled and a little saggy. When I am old my plan is to sit in a disgusting and soiled deckchair in the middle of the street, and I will ruin the lives of strangers by playing upon their paranoia. I may even defecate for emphasis.

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Merlin: “I heard Scáthach say that she wishes she didn’t have a twin sister. But don’t worry, I like you. Even though you’re adopted.”
Oof. That’s low, and totally unoriginal. I expect better from you, Merlin. 

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I swear this game knows. It knows everyone is terrified of Albert and has paired that up with a commonly shared fear of clowns, which luckily I don’t have. However I’m sure some of you do.
So here you go. If you thought Albert couldn’t get anymore horrifying, he straight up pulls a Pennywise.
Albert: “…Want a balloon?”
* shudder *
He’s also surprisingly ripped which just makes things worse. You would never escape his struggle cuddle.

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Of course, he also insisted on improving ruining the family portrait.
I swear, when I finish this legacy Albert is getting his own blog. It will be really dark and full of murder. I’m not even sure if it would count as comedy after a certain point because I’d probably get too carried away.

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Can you guess who this is?
Go on, guess! If the creepy bug eyes don’t give it away, I don’t know what else will.
ALBERT HAS A SON.
I can’t remember his name but I’m pretty sure it began with ‘A’.

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Dorian: “Booo! Sophie is a loser! Boooo!”
Connor: “lol you married Dorian.”
The immaturity in this house is staggering.

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SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED.
Archer: “Woah dude, looks like I’m dead and stuff.”
Merlin: “I…I’m that powerful?”
No. The dude was like 150 years old.

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Archer: “…Huh. My hand is transparent. This is going to make my alone time reeeally awkward.”
Dude.
Merlin: “I can’t handle this kind of power! * sobbing *”
…Dude.

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I know I should feel bad for him because he just watched his dad pop his clogs but…
I can’t stop laughing. The face paint is just so perfect. He is the Tragic Clown from Sims 1!

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Well, I’m sorry Merlin. It looks like you are destined to be completely and utterly screwed up.
I didn’t even know death could celebrate sim birthdays.

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Now there’s a trustworthy face. I think not. Sometimes I worry that he might take after Albert. No one should look that pleased after watching someone die at their birthday party.
Merlin: “Death himself has blessed me!”
okay

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Hmm, looks like Laura wasn’t kidding about being able to see the budding of his horns. Such a fabulous shade of purple, too. He seems to be a fairly even mix of his mother and father, yay!
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Merlin the Cuman rolled ‘inappropriate’ as his fourth trait, to go along with his insane, hot-headed and neurotic traits.
…This generation is going to be so awesome.

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Merlin:Heeeeey doe-friend.”
I think he might be in shock.

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Hopfrog: “Wooah! No, wait! I haven’t finished my joke…or that cake!”
Noelle: “Fuck y’all. This cake is mine now.”
I have missed Noelle.

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Noelle:Daaamn kid, you need to join the circus or some shit.”
I feel like all of these nightmarish events are only happening because Albert is present. He is like some sort of negative hole that just endlessly spews wasps and nightmares.

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I’ve been wanting to use this hair for a while and it suits Hopfrog perfectly! She rolled ‘eccentric as her fourth trait. Perfect. She is also a good mix of both parents, and I’m really happy that so far at least two of them have inherited Sophie’s bone structure.

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Hopfrog’s ‘good’ sense of humour has managed to find its way into her wardrobe.
.
…So far I think this generation of kids might just be my favourite.

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Merlin: “…Wait. Why am I the only one with horns so far?”
Laura: “Told you so!” *crone-like cackling*

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Scáthach started convulsing and folding in on herself and for a moment I thought the game had glitched.
Then I remembered which family I was playing as and realised this was pretty normal behavior in the grand scheme of things.

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Scáthach: “Hellloooooo~~~~!”
Oh look, it is the green noodle of your nightmares. NO WAIT. The Cuman genes are dominating the human genes and she is becoming a gourde!
Connor: “Yes! Great Gourdedaughter!”
Well, Connor ended up being disappointed because she aged up normally after that...

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…Into a clone of her Grandmother Lily. Seriously. I’m not even sure she should be legible for the eventual heir vote as it stands. SHE IS A CLONE. Or Lily’s evil green twin. Although, it is really interesting to see how genetics can sometimes skip a generation because none of Lily’s kids really looked a lot like her.

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Luckily, a quick makeover helped hide some of the resemblence. At least on a superficial level. There isn’t anything that can be done about, I dunno, HER ENTIRE FACE.
She clearly dug up her grandmother and stole her head or something. That would explain why she rolled ‘evil’ as her fourth trait.

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Merlin: “Ahaha! Look at those stupid sparkles! Hey, everyone! Arthur is SPARKLING!”
Laura: “Kid, you can try all you like but you’ll never divert attention away from those horns.”
Merlin: “I will pierce you, hag.”
Laura: “Good luck getting a girlfriend, ya freak.”

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I really like the massive eyebrows and jutting chin combination. Arthur really reminds me of a comic book hero or something. The kind that would be ‘I’m a fantastic warrior and hero!’ but also sort of bumbling and comical with a generous dash of dumb mixed in.
Arthur rolled ‘never nude’ as his fourth trait. Perhaps he should change his name to Tobias and become an anal rapist.

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Noelle: “What the hell are you doing?”
Albert: “Just admiring my hands. I have such soft and youthful skin.”
Noelle: “Huh. You really do have good skin.”
Albert: “So did the woman I ‘borrowed’ it from.”

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Merlin: “Albert, you have to help me! I need to get rid of these stupid horns!”
Albert: “Oh, loin fruit of my beautiful cousin. What on earth makes you think I would know how to do that?”
Merlin: “80% of your limbs don’t actually belong to you.”
Albert: “Oh, you should’t believe those rumours about me. My ex-wife simply left the country. Nothing suspicious.”

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Merlin: “You were my last hope! * sniffle * “
Albert: “No one has ever willingly hugged me before.”
Merlin: “What am I going to do?!”
Albert: “é ç æ Æ ö ¢ ₧ ƒñ ¿ ½ ¼ “

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Merlin: “This is your fault! I must have inherited this from you somehow.”
Dorian: “Um, excuse me? I think you’ll find I’m far too fabulous to have any kind of disgusting growth.”
Merlin: “We need to move. Today. Somewhere I can blend in. I can’t stay here in a town obsessed with slaying dragons and mythical beasts. I don’t want a sword anywhere near my rectum.”
Dorian: “…Don’t say ‘rectum’ when Albert is within ear shot. He gets over excited.”
Merlin: “If we moved, you would never have to worry about him or see him again.”
Dorian: “LET US MOVE TODAAAAAY~!”

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Scáthach: “HOW DOES IT FEEL, HUH? YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. I’M WRIST DEEP.”
Scáthach has violent tendencies. Violent and incredibly inappropriate.

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Dude, what.
…Different strokes for different folks.

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Arthur: “Oh boy, I never knew great Uncle Archer was a wizard!”
Hopfrog: “What are you talking about?!”
Arthur: “Well, he just vanished into thin air!”

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Hopfrog: “He died, you cruntnugget.”
Arthur: “Hurrrrrrrrrrrrdurrrrrrr.”
He then proceeded to stare into time and space. He is ready to become a full Darroch. Soon the visions of pulsating eyeballs and bloody landscapes shall begin.
He is ready.

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Merlin: “So, will our new place be better than this crusty dump we’re leaving behind?”
Dorian: “I had my first time here.”
Merlin: “TMI.”
Dorian: “My first time gazing into a mirror and marveling at my own beauty. Sometimes I would get excited and-“
Merlin: “Today has been traumatic enough already, thank you.”

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Oh, that’s logical. Yeah, get into a taxi for all of five minutes and then walk the rest of the way to an entirely different town that could possibly be hundreds of miles away.
Hopfrog: “How do crazy runners go through the forest?”
No. Shut up.
Hopfrog: “They take the psycho path!”
Oh my god.
Hopfrog: “If you don’t laugh I will live up to my namesake and cover you and your loved ones in tar.”

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For some reason, the game automatically had the kids spawn in the dungeon of their new home.
I’m impressed! It knows where they really belong.
Arthur: “It smells like butts down here.”

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Welcome to Midnight Hollow! I am in love with this world. It’s amazing. I spent hours just exploring the place but Arthur doesn’t seem too impressed.
Arthur: “Hurr. I can see the end of my nose.”
Never mind.

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So this is their new home! A small, rundown castle located at the edge of a very spooky forest. I decided to ditch the old home because it just didn’t fit with the rest of this world and also because I think the castle fits with the current theme of this generation.
You can see the graves of Lily and Patterns next to the small pond. It looks swampy. I love it.

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Dorian: “Finally! I am free of my ex-wife and my creepy cousin! I feel fabulous!

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Albert: “Hello cousin.”
Dorian: “No…no! No! No! Noooo!”
Albert: “Yesss, yes, yessss~!”
Dorian: “H-how did you find us!?”
Albert: “Oh cousin, I know your scent so well.”
Albert is getting beyond creepy. He’s quite dark. I am not joking when I say that one day he will get his own blog. It’s going to happen once I complete this legacy. Perhaps he’ll be reborn in the Sims 4.

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So I used up the remaining funds to buy them this castle. They can’t even afford beds yet.
Merlin: “Ah, yes. I like this place. Far away from everything and everyone.”
Scáthach: “Well, I certainly don’t. We’re completely broke because of you. How are we supposed to have any fun?”
Arthur: “LET’S GO TO THE GYM. GET STRONG.”
Hopfrog: “Did I ever tell you the one about-“
Merlin: “The one where you stop talking?”

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Hopfrog: “No, the one where Scáthach kills you in your sleep~!”
Merlin: “…I don’t approve of your jokes, Hopfrog.”
Scáthach: “Who says she’s joking?”
Arthur: “If I don’t get myself roided up in the next 10 minutes I’m gonna bust a nut.”

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Arthur: “THIS ISN’T A GYM.”
Okay, so who else loves that weird red forest floor in the background?! THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.

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Arthur: “Chair.”
Hopfrog: “Did you hear about the fire at the circus?”
Arthur: “Chair.”
Hopfrog: “It was in tents!”
Arthur: “Chair?”
Scáthach: “I can’t believe I shared a womb with you.”

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Drinks: “Aww, hell yeah come over here boiiii give momma some sugar.”
Merlin: “Um, excuse me? My booty is tremendously valuable. You can’t touch it.”
Don’t write legacy updates whilst on crack.

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I found the two of them gormlessly staring at each other. Well, Arthur was gormless. Hopfrog was just grinning.
I imagine she told a joke which completely flew over Arthur’s head, and now she’s waiting for him to get it.
YOU WILL WAIT FOR ETERNITY.

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Oh, look! A chance for our group of freaks to meet some of the locals and begin anew! A fresh start!

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Unfortunately, Merlin immediately had one of his ‘episodes’.
Merlin: “HELLO. Do you like my shoulder? It is magnificent. I’m a Cuman. That means I am part cucumber. If you’ve ever tasted a cucumber, that means you’ve tasted me. Be my friend. I hate eye contact and will probably never ever look directly at you!”

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Arthur: “HNNNG. I LIKE GYM. GYM WITH ME.”
Merlin: “Can you hear singing? I can hear singing.”

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Hopfrog: “I like him.”
Scáthach: “I like him more.”
Run. Run away.
We’ll end this stupidly long chapter here before the painful social awkwardness gets any worse.
Once again, sorry about the delay with churning out this chapter. But hey, I don’t have anymore exams and I only have one more gym and the elite 4 left to beat~! Um, I’ll sort out my priorities at some point.

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Pretty sure that isn’t a rumour.

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😥

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Oh yes! I found this really lovely little forum and would love to take this opportunity to encourage all of you to join it! I’m very active on there under the name JaneEyreForce. It would be great to see some familiar faces!
http://simmersanctum.proboards.com/

Author: janeeyreforce

eggshelldays.blogspot.co.uk

17 thoughts on “Chapter 3.9 – Coulrophobia Catastrophe!

  1. My my! What insanity! I’m going to say it again. I LIKE ALBERT. And I just don’t get the same killing-people-and-wearing-their-skin vibe from him that you get! But that’s okay, and I’ll totally read his blog, even if it means he’s totally psycho creepy. The children all aged nicely sans the Lily clone. I like the boys best 🙂 I’m excited to see the family live more in Midnight Hollow!

    Congrats on the new job!

    • He is easily my favourite sim ever. But the dude is totally a murderer. You’d have to see him in-game to understand. There is just…something that isn’t right. But that is precisely why I like him. Creepy sims are the best sims. But yeah, he’ll have his own blog one of these days. Not entirely sure what direction it’ll go down, most likely dark comedy. ;D

      Thank you! I love it! My only co-worker is my cat. ❤

  2. Thank you so much for posting an update today! I’m reading and commenting on a brief break from reading heavy srs film theory for my thesis and I think my brain is going to start bleeding out of my ears at any minute. A dose of the Darrochs was something I really needed.

    Albert is the absolute best. I love him and I think I may need to add him to my game as soon as my Gen 4 girls are all grown up (I’m running out of Sims in Riverview that aren’t somehow related to the Scatterdays). I also love all of your Gen 4 kids…Arthur is a slow, sweet babe and Merlin’s horns are just perfect. I feel your pain about clones, since pretty much ALL of my girls are clones. D: I’m also looking forward to seeing more of Midnight Hollow…it’s so beautiful :O

    I think I owe you and several other people a comment on my last post which I will get to when I am not freaking out about my thesis. I will also check out the Simmer Sanctum when I have some free time – it seems like a cool place. Great update, sorry my comment isn’t that great.

    • Haha, I’m glad this update helped with your sanity rather than hindering it. ;P

      YES. PUT HIM IN YOUR GAAAAAAME. He needs to spread his horror. And his seed. Horrorseed.

      It would be great to have you over at the Sanctum! The more the merrier!

  3. First of all, I am SO JEALOUS of the new job. Congrats! Now onto the Darrochs. 😛

    Laura and Connor kill me as elders!

    I am DONE hearing about their dehydrated genitalia, but damn are they hilarious.

    Dorian! In the bed! I actually almost thought he was sweet for a second there.

    Albert gives me nightmares. Honestly, I didn’t know Sims could be so terrifying. THE FUCKING CLOWN. I would’ve Total Annihilated his ass for sure. His son is obviously in training to take over the monstrous throne once Albert passes away… assuming that a Sim as soulless as Albert won’t just fuck us all by living forever and ever.

    I just realized that almost my entire comment so far has been about a Sim who isn’t even technically part of the legacy. He is just THAT disturbing.

    I know I admitted to a creepy level of affection for Merlin almost as soon as he was born, but I just love him SO MUCH. Those fabulous horns just make him that much better. 😉

    Hopfrog is totally adorkable. I even enjoy her ridiculous jokes.

    Scáthach’s creepy age-up face was awful. So was the glitchy stretching but the face is what made that image truly terrifying, I think. Luckily, she grew up beautiful, though I agree that she is 100% Lily’s clone.

    I freaking LOVE the face Albert made when Merlin hugged him. I think the creep might’ve actually gone into shock at the merest suggestion of unforced human affection.

    Midnight Hollow is PERFECT for this family of weirdos. Except for Dorian. His rightful place is somewhere in that ridiculous Katy Perry stuff pack, probably. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m glad that Albert followed them there.

    OMFG the picture of Merlin and Arthur at the gym is the best thing ever. Those lovely Darroch boys are just GREAT at first impressions!

    Sorry for the novel-length comment I’M GLAD THE DARROCHS ARE BACK.

    • I was actually going to message you on FB about my job. They recently sent out an e-mail saying one of their subdivisions are hiring and I have a referral link if you want it? 🙂

      I feel like Albert wont die. I’m worried he’ll find a way to crawl out of the computer before he does. D:

      • I would love a referral link! Working retail with “acute social anxiety” never gets any easier. 😦

        Oh man, now I totally have a vision of Albert all hunched over, crawling out of the monitor like that girl in the ring. I’m fairly certain that’s an image I’ll never get rid of!

  4. Merlin is my new favorite. Merlin and Albert just need a whole chapter dedicated to them xD And I will now be haunted by Albert’s clown face forever. Whyyyyyy???? T^T I hate clowns enough lol.

  5. I appreciate the free sick bucket, thankfully I don’t require it.
    Also, Goggle! What are you doing there?

    • Are you sure? 😉

      I’m a website analyser! It’s an awesome job. Very flexible and interesting. I actually have a referral link for one of their subdivisions who are still hiring, if you’re interested.

      • Well, I currently don’t need a job. Still in middle school. Are they hiring middle schoolers? I doubt it. 😦

  6. OMG! Albert! He’s a natural scene-stealer, and that’s quite something having Dorian around! LOL As if I weren’t scared of clowns before… Thanks, Albert, now you’ll haunt my nightmares for years to come LOL.

    Those four kids are awesome, I’m even growing attached to that little Lily clone.

    Oh, and congrats on your by-now-not-so-new job :D. It sounds pretty cool.

    • Albert will forever be rooted into the deepest and darkest depths of your subconscious forever. It is the curse of reading this blog. Sorry~ ;D

      I’m glad you like them! I can never decide on a favourite.

      Thanks! It’s a really great job, working from home is a blast.

  7. POKEMON X! Super late on the uptake here, but is it amazing?? I’ve been dying to get my hands on it, but I don’t own a 3DS and probably won’t until I get me a summer job. Waiting for Pokemon is a pain like no other. Congrats on the new job!

    I await that sick bucket with bated breath and a clenched stomach. Lol but actually it’s clenched 90% from laughter and 8% from cringing in fear of Albert, so no need to worry.

    Nooo Albert, please don’t ever share your umbrella with me. :S Oh, and now he’s a clown. And he has a son??? Let’s make that 10000% in fear of Albert.

    This chapter is an emotional rollercoaster. Every one of the kids aging up is just— I just— I can’t— asd;kfasdfhweotuhasdg. Best generation ever, not just in your legacy but in any legacy. MARRY ME MERLIN. I know you would likely murder me but still, marry me. Or at least be heir. And please don’t get rid of those beautiful, majestic horns.

    *ahem* Yes. On another note, Midnight Hollow looks BADASS. And I’m super excited to hear about these forums! I was a regular on the Boolprop boards like seven years ago, but they kind of died out, which was sad. I’m going to check this one out now, while I’m still on an emotional high from reading this fabulous chapter.

  8. Malbert. Merlbert. Albin. I’m working on it.

    Am I the only one who thinks Merlin has an absolutely gorgeous face *u*

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