Chapter 3.8 – Can I smell yo’ dick?

October 6, 2013 by janeeyreforce 14 Comments

Once again, I’m very sorry for the late update but my job is riding me like a bitch. However, I am currently shopping around for a job that doesn’t make me feel like murdering everything so if everything works in my favour these updates will hopefully become regular and less sporadic. We’ll see.
Anyway, last time in the greasy and sweaty shameful experience that is the Darroch legacy there were an absolute shit ton of birthdays and very little else. Seriously. Nothing happened. Well, apart from Albert having a midlife crisis and deciding to become totally ballin’ and G. Oh, and Albert is now on the ‘downloads’ page!

In an attempt to prove that his parenting skills are not horrifyingly terrible, Dorian decided to travel to Shang Simara with his brood. Sophie couldn’t come with him due to being eternally pregnant with a non-existent child (perhaps it is psychological and she has a pillow shoved up there). Her screams could be heard for miles as she watched oblivious Dorian wander off with the kids. “lol children can play with knives, what’s the problem?” he was heard to say.
Dorian: “We’re here! You know kids, I’m actually really cool. I can kick all kinds of ass.”
Merlin: “The only thing you know how to do is lick assho-.”
Dorian: “wat”
Merlin: “I said, the only thing you know how to do is lick-“
Dorian: “Okay, I wasn’t actually expecting you to repeat yourself and now my feelings are hurt. WHY DON’T YOU TASTE MY TEARS YOU LITTLE SHIT. UGH.”
Only five minutes into their holiday and the diva has been unleashed.

THEY HAVE BOAT TAXIS NOW. WHY ISN’T THIS AN ACTUAL THING?
I suddenly have the urge to live next to a large body of water and cash in on this idea. It would be wonderful. If any customers tried to avoid paying for the journey I could just drown them and everybody would be super happy.

Dorian decides to show off some more of his stellar parenting skills by taking his less than impressed brood of green kids (oh, and a token pink one) directly into the mouth of a very angry looking stone dragon, complete with deadly traps!
…Maybe he is trying to kill them.
Angry Dragon: “Slurpslurpslurp. Awwyeah this shit gon’ taste goooood.”  

Upon entering the Very Hungry Dragon (henceforth known as the VHD) Dorian proceeded to run at a mad gait down the nearest hallway, abandoning his children in one of the tomb’s many rooms. I think he might be racist towards Cumans, guys.
Hopfrog: “Haha! You guys totally look like a weird blue ball covered in disgusting fleshy veins right now.”
Hopfrog’s ‘good sense of humour’ trait often misses its mark completely.

This is what happens when you essentially let your children raise themselves.
Arthur: “Oh my god, Hopfrog’s jokes are so bad they literally make me want to kill myself. Ugggh!”
Scáthach: * stares through time and space, contemplating her existence * (I’m pretty sure she takes after her Grandmother Lily and Great Grandfather Connor. Hopefully she’ll skip the phallic vegetable obsession)
Merlin: “I know you can’t see my withering stare, brother, but believe me it is very withering with just the right amount of sass to accurately express the disdain I am feeling towards all of you.”

Yeah, you better fucking run.
I am convinced that Dorian is trying to get rid of his children after realising just how much raising two sets of twins can age a person.
Dorian: “My pores are so open and gross!”
Scáthach: “Ain’t got time for this greasy shit.”

Merlin’s inner monologue: ~Watch as the majestic Cuman gallops down the hill like a newly born gazelle testing out its newly discovered muscles, propelling itself forever forward towards an unknown but exciting destiny involving TORTURE AND THE DESTRUCTION OF MAN.~
okay.jpeg

Decided to see what Dorian was up to. Immediate regret.
Dorian: ♫ “I don’t give a * beep *
Keep looking at my * beep *
‘Cause it don’t mean a thing if you’re looking at my * beep *
I’mma do my thang while you’re playing with your * beep *
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha~” ♫ 

Dorian: “Maybe I can take on a fabulous adventure without the kids finding out.”
Creepy Arthur and Hopfrog: “What’s that faaaaather~?”
Dorian: “…Did you dislocate your necks just to creep me out?!”
Arthur and Hopfrog: “We are the hivemind.”

Merlin: “This book of torture devices is just magical~! Oooh, now what is this? A pimp stick? That sounds absolutely divine. I should add that in my letter to Santa. I’m so glad Uncle Albert let me borrow this book.”
If Albert and Merlin become a team everyone is going to die horribly. Either that or be forced to wear totally hideous jeans that do not look good on middle aged men. Or anyone for that matter.

Scáthach: “…Bitch.”
Dorian: “That’s right. I’m a bitch. A baaaaad bitch.”

This week on ‘Hopfrog has a terrible vacation’…
Dorian: “Yeah, so I broke the sink because nobody ever told me how taps work and I’m trying to fix it but it just seems to be getting worse. I’m gonna need you to keep cleaning that water up until it stops.”
Hopfrog: “Can’t one of the others do it?”
Dorian: “No. You’re the only one that doesn’t scare me.”
Hopfrog: “Oh! That reminds me! Did you ever hear the one about-“
Dorian: “No.”

Scáthach: “HEY THERE HOPFROG, IT’S UNCLE AAAAAALBERT!”
Hopfrog: “No, no, nooooo!”
Scáthach: “lol dumbass”
Hopfrog: “Scáthach?! How could you be so cruel?”
Albert is no laughing matter.

Merlin: “I…I don’t know why but I have a sudden evil urge to completely ruin Hopfrog’s vacation. It’s overpowering and…damn. Those are some ugly ass lampshades.”

Merlin: “Oh, Uncle Albert! Please let your spirit guide me!”
He’s not dead, you idiot.
Merlin: “Shutup. I was trying to inject some drama into my plans. Ugh. Whatever. I’m going to throw feces at her or something. * grumble grumble *”
Wow. Evil genius in the making right here.

Arthur: “I hereby demand that you slowly rub body oil all over that John Goodman lookalike over there! Every last inch of that quivering flesh!”
Unknown woman: “I just want to sleep. Please. It’s been 72 hours.”
Arthur: “You will not and cannot stop until I am convinced you feel completely dead inside!”

I found out that Dorian needs to do like 50 of these sparring matches before he can be considered a Kung-Fu master and achieve his lifetime wish. What the actual fuck.
Anyway, at least Dorian seems to be winning every fight and-

wut

So this happened, and I’m pretty sure I heard the baby jingle when they were finishing up.
So it turns out the unknown woman is named Lu Zhi. On the bright side I’m sure that you have to be very dead inside in order to sleep with Dorian, so she was subsequently released from Arthur’s wrath. But not from Dorian’s. [lame penis joke]

I guess he really is a baaaad bitch.

Merlin decided his siblings were not reaching their maximum potential as possible minions, so he lined them up and demanded a firing squad unleash a hail of bullets upon them.
loljk he couldn’t afford one so he just dressed in a hilariously stupid costume and screamed at them for half an hour. Scáthach used her usual tactic of disappearing into her happy place via the power of her imagination. Arthur picked his nose. Hopfrog just cried a lot and eventually vomited on herself.
Then they all played tag.

Yet another sparring match. I’ve lost count of them by this point so I have no idea how close Dorian is to completing his LTW.
Anyway, he managed to win this round without penetrating anyone.

I’m not entirely sure how appropriate it is for Dorian’s mistress to be telling ghost stories to his offspring.
Lu Zhi: “…it was then that Master Dorian revealed his secret fiery haired, rabid beast which he quickly set upon the innocent Princess Lu. However its attempts to ravish her were fast and disappointing. It also cried a whole bunch afterwards.”
Yup. Totally inappropriate.

Scáthach: “I don’t approve of your so-called ‘leadership tecnhniques'”.
Merlin: “I couldn’t care less what you think.”
Scáthach: “I think I should have your post as leader of the Cumans instead.”
Merlin: “lol fight me irl”
Scáthach: “This shall be a chess match of destiny! If you win, I’ll never question your leadership again. However, if I am the victor then I will take your post.”
Merlin: “Pfft, fine. But you’re no match for me.”
Scáthach: “…I also want the stupid hat.”

Dorian: “Oh, hello there Arthur…or is it Merlin? Uh, hello son!”
Unknown child: “Who the fuck are you seriously what the hell man, c’mon I just want to score some weed why are you all up in my grill I mean woooooah calm the fuckity fuck down I’m bored bye bye”
Dorian: “I hate kids.”

Well, at least Hopfrog’s vacation seemed to be taking a positive turn. She made a friend!
Hopfrog: “Yeah, so you really need to let me stay here. I could live with your family or something.”
Other unknown child: “Well, I don’t know…”
Hopfrog: “Please! I live in a house with two immortal sociopaths, 3 evil siblings, a permanently pregnant mother and my dad was born without a brain. Also none of them appreciate my fantastic jokes!”

Other unknown child: Well…I guess I could ask my parents.
Hopfrog: “You’re the best! I think my twin sister was plotting to kill me or something.”
Other unknown child: “Uhh, about that-“
Hopfrog: Anyway! Knock knock!”
Scáthach: “GUESS WHO? DOLLA DOLLA BILL Y’ALL.”
Hopfrog: * proceeds to have a heart attack at the tender age of 10 *

Merlin: “Silence! Show me some respect or I will beat you down with my pimp stick! It’s totally going to arrive in the mail any day now.
Dorian: “Man, my son is actually pretty cool.”
Dude with hat: “Wtf dude? Are we looking at the same kid here?”

Upon returning to Dragonland Scáthach immediately asserted her dominance by absorbing her twin sister.
Only Arthur seems to be the slightest bit perturbed by this event.
Arthur: “Actually, I was thinking about rocks.”

Somehow (I suspect Merlin and his love for the dramatic) Sophie found out about Dorian’s holiday romance with Lu Zhi and she was not at all pleased about it.
Dorian: “I swear, I didn’t do anything! Merlin is just making stuff up!”
Sophie: “That’s a load of garbage. If you’re so innocent then you should lemme smell yo’ dick.”
Connor: “What the actual fuck. Could you two keep it down? I’ve read this sentence 5 times already. Goddamn.”
Dorian: “Yeah, I’m not letting you smell my beautiful penis.”

Sophie: “I knew it! If you were innocent you wouldn’t have a problem with that request! I’m done with you. Also, that lump is totally abnormal!”
Dorian: “Yeah?! Well so is yours, pregnoid!”
Connor: “So can you two hurry up and get divorced or whatever? I’m trying to concentrate. “

Dorian retired to his room and indulged in some angsty punch dancing whilst Sophie looked for somewhere else to live.
Sophie: “This is the best day of my life. I have escaped the zoo.”
I don’t think there was much love lost.

 

Good for her!

Merlin takes after his dad when it comes to being a gossiping bi-atch.
Merlin: “Hey rocks-for-brains, do you want to hear something hilarious?”
Arthur: “…You’re not going to spit in my ear again are you?”

Wow Merlin. Just wow.

Laura: “Soon.”
Something evil is afoot.
Laura: “No, I just really love bread.”

Merlin: “Look brother…our sisters are plotting something.”
Arthur: “I really think they’re just playing tag.”
Merlin: “That’s what they want us to think! That chess match was a draw…but it gave Scáthach more of an authoritative air than I’m comfortable with. She thinks we’re even.”
Arthur: “I’m hungry.”
Merlin: “Maybe if I can get Hopfrog on my side she’ll tell me all about Scáthach’s plans…”
Arthur: “Chess is hard.”

Unfortunately, I’ve made the decision to age Connor and Laura into elders. The house is getting too full and they’ve been around long enough. I don’t think having them for 10 generations is going to work very well, it’ll get stale and I’d rather they stayed fan favourites which wont happen if they overstay their welcome.
Laura: “I’m gonna haunt the shit out of this place one day.”
Connor: “Oh boy, I can’t wait for my first ghost boner!”
At least they don’t seem to mind.

Merlin: “Oh Hopfrog! You’ve bested me with these blocks once again! I could never hope to match up to your wit and smarts.”
Hopfrog: “Huh? Is this a trick?”
Merlin: “May I also say you are looking very beautiful today?”
Hopfrog: “That’s some Game of Thrones shit right there.”

Patterns: “Hello neighbour! I just busted into your house to show you how insanely proud of my family I am! Look at how happy and perfect we are!”
Those are photos of total strangers.

Connor: “I’m getting a paunch.”
Well you are really, really, really old. Super old.
Connor: :C

This is what an average morning in the Darroch household currently looks like. I can now completely understand why Patterns carries around a wallet full of creepy stock photos.
Hopfrog: “Knock knock!”
Merlin: Hahaha! Oh Hopfrog, you tell the best jokes! What a punchline!”
Hopfrog: “I wasn’t finished!”
Patterns: “Kill me now.”

No, Scáthach is not overcome with grief for the loss of her Grandmother Lily (who she barely knew). This is just how her attempt to fish ended. She doesn’t have the clumsy trait and I’ve never seen this happen before so I was stupidly excited. I’m a loser.

Laura: “Wow Connor, way to MOVE OVER SO I CAN FISH. Oh, and fuck you stupid glowing water flower things that can’t even LOAD PROPERLY. I HATE EVERYTHING.”
Patterns: “Woah, old age really turned you into a crotchety bitch.”

Merlin: Cosmo, you’re the only one who really understands me.”
Cosmo: Untamed Va-jay-jays: Guess What Sexy Style Is Back.
Merlin: “Cosmo, you don’t make a lot of sense sometimes.”
Cosmo: Be a Lucky Bitch!: These Proven Mind Tricks Will Get You What You Want.
Merlin: “Now we’re talking! Psychological torture is my passion.”
Cosmo: LeAnn Rimes Stole My Husband.

Merlin: “That Cosmo sure is a super genius. Be a Princess! Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? This should lull them all into a false sense of security. I just need to perfect my royal wave.”
This is why you never take advice from Cosmopolitan.

Merlin: “I’ll probably never hurt you, Cosmo. That’s how much you mean to me. It’s unlikely that I will burn you to death at any point.”
Cosmo: His Butt: What the Size, Shape, and Pinchability of Those Sweet Cheeks Reveal About His True Self

Laura: “Crotchety bitch, eh? Well would a crotchety bitch beat your ass like that?!”
Patterns: “Yes! Yes that is the exact definition you wrinkled prune!”
Connor: “Wooah boy, you ain’t never gonna learn.”

Merlin: So Scáthach, my gyno talked to my vagina. What do you think of that? Feel like backing down and accepting the fact that I rule this place?”
Scáthach: “You’ve been talking to Cosmo again, haven’t you?”

I can’t remember why this screenshot exists. I think it might be one of Noelle’s grandchildren. Possibly the son of Augustine.
I don’t have anything else to say about him. I’m not even sure what his name is.

Scáthach: “I love burgers so much.”
Patterns: “Uhh, I’m dying.”
Scáthach: “You’re causing a route error which is stopping me from getting to that delicious burger.”
Laura really creeps me out in this photo. It’s like she knew.

Scáthach: “There are no burgers left! This is the worst day of my life!”
Patterns: “I can’t wait to ghost bone my sexy dead wife!”
Even Laura looks sad. Although that might be because of the hideous mental image Patterns decided to share.

Anyone know why Pattern’s grave is different to Lily’s? They both achieved their LTW but her tombstone is a lot bigger.
Lily: “That’s right. I’ve got girth and length.”
Patterns: “…Help me.”

Such wit.

They look so innocent when they’re sleeping. It’s a shame those though bubbles reveal their true intentions.
Scáthach: “Zzzz…maybe I could stick lethal pills in his cereal…zzz…”
Merlin: “Zzzz…I can’t wait until everyone is dead but meeee…”

Whilst her siblings dreamed of murder and genocide, Hopfrog was having a nightmare about Miley Cyrus.
Hopfrog: “Nooooo! Keep that away from me, I’m not Robin Thicke!”

Lily is actually even more badass in death than she was in life. She also regularly comes out to haunt the legacy house so it is almost like she’s still a permanent member of the family.
I have a feeling Pattern’s might not come out all that much due to being a giant coward. He’s probably scared of himself.

Hopfrog: “PLEASE BE MY FRIEND.”
Lily: “I’m bored now. Bye.”
She then proceeded to posses the nearest object for such a long time I honestly thought it was a glitch.

Connor: “I love being naked.”
I doubt the maid appreciates being exposed to your ancient balls (moar like mothballs amirite?!) and paunchy belly.
Connor: “YOU KNOW I’M SENSITIVE ABOUT THAT. :C”
On that note, we’ll end this extra long chapter here. Time to see what the other residents of Dragonball are up to!

N’aww. ❤

Well, hopefully this one can crack the secret of Sophie’s eternal pregnancy.
Thanks for reading! Again, I’m very sorry that this was another late update. Hopefully things will ease up in the near future and I’ll be able to do semi-regular updates again.