The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 3.5 – A cuman is born within a Calagulian nightmare



Connor: “Ugggh, god fucking damn it Dorian just break the stupid space rock already. You’ve been hovering over it for 5084950 hours. You passed the ‘pause for dramatic effect’ stage like 5084949 hours ago, ya bitch.”
Welcome back to the Darroch legacy! I should be sleeping right now but I’m a grown-ass woman who completely ignores what her body is telling her because YOU DON’T CONTROL ME DAMMIT.
I’m depriving myself of what would be an awesomely refreshing glass of water because I’m a rebel.
Anyway. During the last chapter everyone was creepy and there were a million incestuous overtones. Only they weren’t really overtones, they were actually blatant and prolonged occurrences that kept happening over and over again . It was awful.


At the end of the last chapter, Dorian felt like he was going to throw up due to all the totally gross incest and decided to make his escape to a foreign land before he got unwittingly caught up in a hideous and immensely sweaty cucumber infested orgy.
Nearly burning to death is always preferable to spending time with his family.


I figured Dorian may as well make himself useful whilst on vacation and had him take some steps towards achieving his lifetime want. So I he called over the next ranked sparring opponent and blah blah blah who cares oh god I’m so tired.


Okay, I just slept for 7 hours so now I’m RARING TO GO. Haha yeah right.
Dorian actually did something right for once in his life. This is up there with his ‘grew some badass facial hair’ achievement.
With a victory under his belt, Dorian promptly headed home before he could mess anything up.


Oh, look. It’s everyone’s favourite sociopath. He has a wife and a child now but that wont stop him from creeping.
Albert: Are you having fun dancing with me, m’lady? ARE YOU? ARE YOU HAVING FUN? AHAHAHA! I HAVEN’T HAD SUCH FUN SINCE THE BLACK PLAGUE IN THE DA- I’ve said too much.
Lily: Get the fuck out of my house.


Sophie can now make house calls! Unfortunately she married into a family with a hideous reputation that could rival Caligula’s and her patients are more than a little uneasy around her.
Patient: “Is it true that your in-laws sacrifice their second born during a blood orgy if the mother gives birth during a full moon?”
Sophie: “No.”
Patient: “Is it true that the Darrochs ate their family pets?”
Sophie: “No.”
Patient: “Is it true that Connor can fit an entire cucumber up his…”
Sophie: “…Yes.”
Patient: “Have you seen him do it?!”


The Darrochs threw a Feast party this year and it turned out to be the worst idea they’ve ever had. Incest ahoy!
Seriously guys, why didn’t Noelle teach you that brothers and sisters arenn’t meant to be so…close?
I think they’ve been reading Game of Thrones.
Alistair: “Oh Penny, be the Cersei to my Jaime.”


D’aw. They are both still quite spritely despite Lily’s old age and Laura’s status as an ancient overlord (LAURA 4 OVERLORD 2013).


Looks like all that moonlighting paid off! Sophie was promoted to a…thing. Something. I didn’t write it down. It’s not that important anyway. She’ s still pretty low on the corporate foodchain. Probably something to do with stool samples.


Okay, I started up the game and it turns out Lily is Trauma Surgeon which is waaaaay less interesting than an examiner of fecal matter.
So to make up for that disappointment here is a photo of Albert in his true form.
Also it has taken me most of the afternoon to get this far, because my cat suffers from separation anxiety or something and will not stop using me as a jungle gym. He has to have his face as close as possible to mine at all times.
His breath smells so bad guys omg.


Hey Albert, what’s up? Haha only joking. Nobody cares ya fucking psychopath.
Albert: “♫ Three little pumpkins smiling smiling.
Three little pumpkins smiling smiling.
Three little pumpkins smiling smiling.
Three little pumpkins are happy.♫ “


Albert: ” ♫ Two little pumpkins laughing laughing.
Two little pumpkins laughing laughing.
Two little pumpkins laughing laughing.
Two little pumpkins are playing. ♫ “


Albert: “♫ One little pumpkin crying crying. 
One little pumpkin crying crying.
One little pumpkin DYING DYING.
Well. There you have it. Thaaaaat’s Albert~! * canned laughter *

I like to think the screaming in the background is coming from Albert’s secret murder den.


I can just imagine how this went down.
Dorian: “A-Albert? No one invited you.”
Albert: “Oh, cousin Dorian. Beautiful cousin Dorian with your silken skin and crimson locks. I just wish…I just wish I could be you. Please, just let me have a swatch of your skin. I’ll take care of it. If you wont let me be a part of your family at least give me something lest I snap.”
Dorian: “…”
Connor: “I don’t want him going for the gourds. We can’t risk them. Just get in the picture, Albert.”


Woah guys look who is a blackbelt. He can totally hit you so hard you’ll shoot off into outer space.
No you wont. Air particles hurt more than his flying kick.
Dorian: “lol my neck is bulging for no reason.”


Winter finally rolled around (sorry, nothing much happened during the transition from season to season) and it was again time for yet another Darroch family outing. I bet your palms are just oozing with sweaty anticipation.
This screenshot exists because I can’t resist an old lady in uniform.


Lily refused to have a rival in the imaginary ‘Badass old lady’ competition and promptly started 360 kickflipping all over the place.
Lily: “360 smoke weed erryday, brah.”


So this happened. Lily spent so long outside that she froze up completely and fell over, as did Connor. For a moment I had a total freakout because I thought they’d both committed ritualistic suicide or something.
Not to worry. Portable hairdryers cure pneumonia, don’t ya know.


Not only can Sophie now do call outs, but she can also offer free shots at the local park. Because that doesn’t sound dodgy at all. They totally aren’t second hand needles or anything.
Crowd: “Cure usssss. Cure usssss.”
Glitched Albert: “Finally. I have become one with a human.”


That is the scariest and most unattractive face I have seen a sim pull so far, and of course it just had to belong to Albert.
I just want to be sick all over his face.


I would also like to mention that most of the crowd went home due to Sophie apparently taking too long. They were quite snippy about it, too. Geeze, it’s free. Take what you can get, losers.


I promised babies during the last chapter and then got carried away and forgot about them. Whoops! I got Sophie knocked up ASAP as soon as I realised.
Sophie: “Let us writhe under the sheets spasmodically without touching!”
Dorian: “Oh boy! I can’t wait to dislocate every bone in my body!”
* jingle plays *


Yes! Never have I been so happy to see vomit!


Why is it that the randomized pregnancy attire is always the most bizarre shit imaginable? I mean what the hell is that? The socks alone are bad enough, but combined with the shorts and tucked in t-shirt? Ugggh.


Synchronized reading?
It’s a ruse. A terrible, terrible ruse.
This is how they make love now.
Old age is gon’ getcha too one day.


There is something very, very wrong with this picture. No, it is not Laura’s questionably youthful attire.
Laura: “Holla!”
When you see it you’ll shit cucumbers. Huge, glistening cucumbers.
Look at Lily’s feet.


If I was in labour and some asshat chose to call me right at that moment, I would just crush my phone into pieces with my BARE HANDS and then throw them out of the window with such force that they would end up in OUTER SPACE.
At least that’s what I like to think.


Meet Merlin! I have no idea where that skin colour came from…wait.
Connor: “Yesss! The first human/cucumber hybrid! My experiment finally worked!”
Dorian: …Sophie? What happened?
Aaaanyway, our newly birthed cuman really loves the colour purple, Egyptian music and constantly craves fish & chips. He was born with the neurotic and insane traits. Considering he is part vegetable, I am not entirely surprised.

Cue everybody freaking the hell out except for the one giving birth.


Meet Arthur, his twin! They are definitely not identical so I’m going to assume that Connor’s experimentation did not go completely to plan.
Sophie: “I am dead inside.”
Arighty then! Arthur loves the colour pink, enjoys listening to pop music and developed a taste for Dim Sum whilst in the womb. He was born with the insane trait locked in, and rolled ‘loves the heat’ as his second trait.
Probably a good thing as I have a feeling Connor might try and throw him in the fire in order to hide his failure.
Connor: “Damn and blast!”


Oh, I really hate myself and enjoy torture so of course as soon as Sophie was done giving birth it was time to start trying for more babies.
Help me. Please.

Other news in the realms of a Caligulian nightmare:


D’aww. It’s so refreshing to see that not every family member wants to screw their next of kin.




I know they have nothing to do with the Darrochs, but I am obsessed with them. It’s the pigtails.


So far Augustine is the only one of Noelle’s kids to have a functioning, normal relationship.

That’s all for now. Thankfully. I don’t know when the next update will be as I currently work 10 hours a day, five days a week and my days off tend to be pretty packed at the moment. I will try and set some time aside for this, though. Hopefully you wont have to wait any longer than a fortnight. Thanks for reading!


Author: janeeyreforce

13 thoughts on “Chapter 3.5 – A cuman is born within a Calagulian nightmare

  1. Jesus christ. You should just make a sub-blog called “LOOK AT ALBERT BEING CREEPY”. How does he get in these situations. HOW.
    All hail Overlord Patterns. His will be done.
    This marks the chapter where Dorian wasn’t 100% fabulous. He just had babies and junk.
    SOPHIE RUN. it’s the only way to free yourself!

  2. Oh, Albert… I don’t even know where to begin.

    Perhaps Merlin’s skin came from Sophie’s parents? I don’t actually remember who they are, but I remember there being a man with green skin and Sophie’s hair color.

    Sorry this isn’t longer. It’s been a VERY strange day and it’s taken me like 2 hours trying to read this, so I’ve forgotten the beginning. lol

  3. Oh wow, this was my favorite chapter because Albert was promoted to first supporting role, instead of just some supporting role at the end of the credits lol. I make no sense, I just came from work from where I was treated like a useless person by someone even more useless and I couldn’t do anything about it, and then went on to leave before the time I should have left, so now I just don’t feel useless but dumb I don’t know how to count my time *sigh*
    Did I just vent on here? Im shameful.

    This chapter brighten up my night. For real. Sophie and Albert make a cute couple by the way… I know, I know, they shouldn’t be even looking at each other that way, but yeah… they are cute. Hahahaha.

    They had twins!!!!! 😀
    That’s amazing, my sims hardly ever get twins. :/

  4. Albert is amazing. It’s not his legacy but it almost feels like it should be.

  5. Poor Sophie. I really feel for her. At least she didn’t marry Albert…

  6. I love Sophie. It’s not because of the name. Honest.


  7. Okay, I laughed oh so many times, seriously. And I guess I’ll just have to be un-popular because I LIKE Albert. I think he looks pretty cool. There. I said it.

  8. I cannot believe I never knew you could make house calls as in the medical career! That is awesome, I shall have to try that out next time I’m playing a doctor. But totally agree, those impatient little freeloaders getting shots are annoying.

    Love Sophie’s maternity wear! In the sense that “love” means “OMG, Sim!Logic is *stupid*”. What kind of pregnant woman runs around in short shorts with a tucked in t-shirt?

    PMSL, cuman! I was wondering wth was with the name of the chapter, now it all makes sense. EA fail strikes again! But there is a fully-human twin, no wai!

  9. Hey! I absolutely love this legacy. never have I laughed so hard to the point of almost convulsing out of my loft bed (since I read late at night because I’m an insomniac and have to keep myself from waking up the whole house with my horrendous laughter).
    I was wondering if you have Albert up for download anywhere? I have fallen in love with his creepiness. Not sure if that’s a good thing. Hello, nightmares!

  10. Oh, and I think Cuman’s skin colour happened because Dorian is dark-skinned and Sophie is a pale green. Genetics (in Sims) takes the skine tone of one parent and the skin colour of the other. Meaning Cuman probably inherited Sophie’s colouring but Dorian’s tone. If any of that makes sense. Same thign happens with eyes and hair colour, I think.

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