The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 3.3 – It’s too gorram hot outside to think of a title

16 Comments

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Welcome back to the shitstain that is the Darroch legacy! In the last update (two weeks ago, cripes!) a bunch of crap that I can’t be bothered to recap happened (there is a heatwave happening right now and my brain is mush). So use your imaginations. Maybe there was a dragon made from wasps and nightmares who communicated telepathically and told all the residents of DragonVille to kill themselves.
Yup. That’s what happened.
Oh, and this screenshot is here to show that despite being a grossly ancient overlord, Connor’s cucumber is not suffering from ED.
Laura: “Yes it is.”
In other news, my good friend Sophie has started a Homeless Challenge blog! Check it out!

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Laura: “Awwriiight, guess who got laid?! ME!”
Lily: “…Why do you think this is an appropriate subject to broach with your daughter?”
Laura: “Oh come on, how old are you now? Like, 200?”
Lily: “I am nowhere near 200 and I also know for a fact that you didn’t get any WooHoo. Your room is right above mine, remember? I could hear your disappointment from downstairs.”
Ooh, burn.

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This screenshot exists purely to showcase Dorian’s horrendous workout gear. It also exists because I am in love with the little house behind him. I actually made him visit the residents inside. It contained a hugely obese woman and her severely underweight son. I’ve never seen either of them out and about so I assumed it was a hostage situation. Then the game crashed before I could nab any screenshots. It was probably for the best because I had a feeling Dorian was next on the victim list.
Speaking of crashing, I had to uninstall the Pets expansion. So no more Mango and Asstickler. * single tear * On the plus side my game now runs like a dream.

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This is as close as Dorian currently gets to any form of martial arts practice. He does this at least five hundred thousand billion times a day.
Sometimes I just want to hold his head under the water until that last bubble goes ‘…bloop’.

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Laura: “God damn I am so excited about watching you play with that hacky sack!”
Lily: “Please leave me alone forever.”
Laura is in full creeper mode today.

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This is how everybody needs to drive now. Arms stretched out, hands not touching the steering wheel at all.
Dorian is a trendsetter, you see.

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Whooo are you, who who who who?
Glitchedfuck: “I am a glitchy dwarf.”
I can see that. I followed him around for a while and watched as he continued to flicker rapidly between regular sim height and turbo nightmare dwarf. I kind of want him to be part of the family, but I have a feeling he might already be some kind of distant relation.

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Dorian’s day out took him to a local dive bar where some loser in a horribly unfashionable cardigan was warbling into a mic. He had creepy bears balancing on balls as backing singers.
As was to be expected, Dorian had a mental breakdown and began flipping out because he wasn’t getting enough attention from all the lovely strangers and bears. He pretty much shit himself out of pure rage.

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I…uh…
I want him to be part of the family along with the dwarf so badly. But he is already married and will probably be dead by the time Dorian and Sophie have kids old enough to marry. >:{

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Lily: “Bicycle.”
Patterns: “Steak dinner.”
I don’t know if that conversation was a bizarre sexual euphemism that went right over my head because it was followed by copious amounts of WooHoo.
I wish I was joking.

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TIME FOR THIS USELESS CRAPHEAD TO GROW THE FUCK UP.
Dorian: “Ooh, so much attention and it’s all aimed at me!”
Woah brah, calm down. Don’t ejaculate all over the frosting.

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Dorian: “I have facial hair now.”
Good. Now you no longer look like an anime character.
Alistair: “I s-sure hope D-dorian-senpai notices me today… * blushuuuu *”
* cue terribly translated J-pop intro complete with sparkly background and semi-transparent hearts surrounding Dorian *
Oh, he rolled coward as his final trait. So he’s a cowardly kung-fu diva.

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I figured Dorian should probably get the heck out of the country before any tentacle rape occurred.
Though maybe this is a case of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

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Sophie: “Oh, D-dorian-chan when you touch me there I..!”
* cut to overly upbeat j-pop and more sparkle hearts, followed by Dorian flicking back his hair in slow motion and smiling enigmatically with lowered eyes *
You know, for someone who doesn’t watch much anime I know this shit like the back of my hand.
I’m going to stop now.

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As soon as they arrived Sophie immediately began decimating everyone she could in ridiculously intense games of chess. In fact a lot of the time I think they were letting her win out of sheer terror. I know I would. Her game face is horrifying.

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Dorian finally took some initiative and managed to drag himself away from his reflection for long enough to begin progress with his LTW.
…He kind of batted at this thing uselessly for a while. It was a pathetic sight.

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Apparently standards are incredibly low over here. Who the fuck gets a new belt just for gently stroking a huge piece of wood?!
…I really need to be careful with how I choose to word things.

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I want to be proud of you Dorian, but I don’t think you’ve done much to earn it.
Dorian: “I hate this outfit! It’s itchy and unfashionable! Plus it isn’t neon!”
Shut up and get back to uselessly flailing.

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Dorian: “Aha, yes! Bask in my overwhelming might and power for I am the master of destruction!”
It was a sheet of foam, dude.

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Dorian was on such a high from ‘destroying’ the foam board that he decided to propose to Sophie in front of the Terracotta Army.
Really? Of all the places in the area to choose? Creepy. Anyway, she said yes.
Sophie’s traits are as follows: Bookworm, genius hopeless romantic and shy. Her favourite colour is turquoise, she likes indie music and enjoys eating fish and chips.
Her LTW is to become a chess legend.

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Dorian is going to be visiting this place a lot to take part in ranked matches so it seemed like a good idea for him to help the locals out and nab some more visa points.
It seemed like a good idea. But this is Dorian we’re talking about.

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Dorian: “Ermahgerd, this is like, so beautiful. Maybe even as beautiful as me!”
So said Dorian, before he realised the place was essentially abandoned and he wouldn’t reach his attention quota for the day. Luckily Sophie was around to force feed him his pills…

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…and just generally be fucking awesome as shit.

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Sophie: “Why do I have to do all the hard work?!”
Because you married a useless braggart who wouldn’t dream of doing anything that could potentially mess up his hair. You got engaged to him. I still can’t believe it.
Sophie: “Fuck everything about that.”

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Sophie: “Put the star…in here. Big flashy light. Woop-de-doo. I hate this. It’s dumb.”
Get used to it.
Sophie: “Is this literally my life now?”
Yup, this and ranked chess tournaments. Oh, and you’ll be moving in with a messed up family founded by a lunatic. Have fun~!
Sophie is an orphan so I like to think I’m doing her a favour by moving her in, but I think we all know that loneliness is preferable to living with them.

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Whilst Sophie was risking life and limb, Dorian was sat on his butt exploring the insides of his ears.
Dorian: “Hey, I found some gold y’know!”
That’s earwax, you mustachioed twat.

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Sophie Dorian completed his task and set out to find the local who originally gave it to him. After a brief exchange he then ignored our heir in favour of some random old woman.
Dorian took his medication over 6 hours ago. Oh dear.
Dorian: “W-what? I’m being ignored?! I NEED ATTENTION TO LIVE.”

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♫ All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces ♫

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♫ Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow ♫

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♫ I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world ♫

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Once Dorian’s hilarious heart rending angst finished running its course he decided to follow it up with an emotional breakdown which finally resulted in him receiving the attention he was craving, thus continuing the cycle. Ugggh.
I think we all have a Dorian in our lives.

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I realised that Dorian would probably need someone to spar with at least semi-regularly once they returned home, so I had Sophie begin her training. Although all she did was stand there looking lovely. Which as nice as that is, it’s kind of useless.

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…It really is amazing what a good camera angle can hide.

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Goddamn, she spends most of her time looking so fucking majestic it’s unreal.

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Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the most pathetic display of sparring ever.
Dorian is a coward, and Sophie has barely any martial arts experience. It was just a series of feather-light taps and girlish squeals (from Dorian).

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After a couple of rounds Dorian realised he had yet to work on his tan, and that is was high time he changed into his fabulous swimming shorts to take an impromptu rest on a beach towel. In the middle of the practice area. At night.
Yup.

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Sophie had quite enough of Dorian being a lazy shit and challenged him to out-bike her whilst she attempted to run him down.
They’re going to be a great couple~

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Whilst Sophie spent the following day challenging ranked chess opponents, Dorian decided to take a leaf out of his wife’s book and begin taking part in ranked sparring matches.
…That looks horribly painful and illegal.

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To literally no one’s surprise, he lost horribly.

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Dorian: “I keep losing sparring matches and I don’t know why! I’m so desperate I’ve actually decided to read a book. Do you have anything on martial arts?”
Shopkeeper: “…Can you even read?”
Dorian: “You know what? It is so hard being so ridiculously good looking! I never had the time to learn stuff because I was always getting distracted by my reflection. Not that you could understand something like that.”
Shopkeeper: “Oh my god, you absolute spaz. Get out of my shop.”
After Dorian’s wonderful display of exceptionally brilliant people skills, the couple had to head back home. But there was someone waiting for them…

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Albert: “Dorian. How could you leave me? I’ve been waiting here for three days…”
Dorian: “Uhhh…”
Albert: ♫”Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains~“♫

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Sophie: “Dude your family is fucked up.”
Albert: ♫ “People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share~” ♫

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Dorian: “Seriously dude, you need to go home.”
Albert: ♫ “Fools, said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence~” ♫
Sophie: “I don’t want to live in this house.”

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I really wanted to end the chapter with Albert staring at you all with his soulless eyes but even I’m not that cruel. Plus I don’t want to be held too responsible for any possible nightmares.
Anyway, I built Dorian and Sophie a rather lovely bedroom with a slightly oriental theme in keeping with Dorian’s interest in martial arts. I couldn’t bring myself to have another diva themed room. The colours…ugh.

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So, this is the sleeping area completely with a nausea inducing couple photo.

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Obligatory weapon shrine.
Fun story: I have a friend who has a list of requirements for future boyfriends, one of those requirements is ‘Must not have weapon shrine.’ Apparently there was a stage where every guy she dated would at some point reveal a weapon shrine. It made her weary.

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A training area for dear, fragile Dorian.

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A little reading nook for Sophie, who I suspect will be keeping the bedroom door closed at all times in an attempt to escape the madness of the Darroch family.

Other news in DRAAAAGONLAAAAAAAAAAAND:

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Well, at least she isn’t pursuing an incestuous relationship with Alistair anymore.

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I guess she got tired of Vito.

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Oh dear. I thought they would have made a nice couple. 😦

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Well done Alistair, nothing good comes of incest. I know Desiree is cute and all but…ew.

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Oh yes, this was supposed to be in the main bulk of the post. Just evidence of Sophie’s chess antics.

Well, that’s all for now! Hopefully the next update wont be so delayed. Thanks for reading, and sorry if this chapter seemed lazy. I am melting.

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Author: janeeyreforce

eggshelldays.blogspot.co.uk

16 thoughts on “Chapter 3.3 – It’s too gorram hot outside to think of a title

  1. How do you manage to write so…creepy. You clearly have hidden talent. And by talent I mean CRAZY.
    Dorian looks fabulous against everyone in Dragon Valley…took me a second to remember its actual name there for a second. Everyone looks like a pastel coloured ghost. It disturbs me.

    Lovely chapter, darling!

    • I went to the school for Creepers. ;D Speaking of creepy…watch Twin Peaks! I’m going to keep harassing you about that.

      You are right! Everyone there is so milky white. Like the moon.

  2. I absolutely lost it at the “Mad World” reference. I still can’t breathe. I honestly don’t know how you write this shit so well, EVEN in a heat wave. Kudos to you, dear sir 😉
    Please updatify soon!

    • That’s m’am, dear comrok. 😉 And thank you! I don’t know what it is about gradual closeups and sad music but it’s a combo that always makes me laugh.

      I shall try to update soon~! ❤

  3. Alright, a Darroch update! 😀 I know the pain of heat waves all too well, as we’re in the middle of one here now. My boyfriend and I tried to fight against it by going to the beach yesterday, but we still have like two more days of 30+ degree temperatures that feel like 40+ degrees with the humidity. 😥

    Aww I love Dorian’s awful workout gear! It really suits a kung-fu diva! Also goodbye Mango and Asstickler. 😦

    The glitchy dwarf is really disturbing, but he should be an honourary family member along with Pigtails Dude. You have the best townies, lol

    OMG a cowardly kung-fun diva. Oh he is going to fail at matches so muuuuuuuuch. I can’t wait! I’m so glad Dorian is heir!!! XD

    I love Sophie’s expressions. She is so pretty and emotes so well even if it is horrifying! She is also great at looking majestic! 😛

    ZHAAAAANNNNN! 😀 Zhan is the guy wearing white who sends Dorian on a quest then ignores him in favour of the old lady. I know you said you weren’t sure if it was Zhan or Shen who showed up, but that is definitely Zhan! Only difference is my Zhan wears his favourite colour, Irish Green. 😀

    Hee, I love Dorian’s angst and demands for attention. He is too entertaining and I love some of the crazy faces he pulls!

    Dorian and Sophie’s bedroom is lovely. I also applaud your friend for avoiding men with weapons shrines. They tend to be terrifying douchebags. :/

    This chapter was awesome and didn’t seem lazy at all! You did very well despite melting in the heat. 😀

  4. Dorian looks so much like Connor. I love your game genetics.

    Mad World! *gasp*

    Albert continues to crack me up, is he the same one being creepy last chapter? Or was it two chapters ago? Cant remember well.
    The glitch with the sim is so freaky, I had it in my game after attempting to cheat the game and growing a sim up through EditCas. lol.

  5. ALBERRT LET ME LOVE YO CREEPY ASS ❤
    Dorian-san and Sophie-chan are soooo kawaii~ (anime and manga comprises a fair bit of my sad, sad time)

    I think a boyfriend with a weapons shrine would be prettay badass.

  6. Heat is a big part of the reason why it took me so long to read this update… I have no A/C in my house. I’m fairly certain I’m going to die. 😦

    OMG Your sims are so lovely! Much like you, it’s crazy how adorable and innocent they can appear while being absolutely horrifying, in a wonderful way. 🙂

    I’m still a bit in love with Alistair. Idk why I’ve become so infatuated with him. lol

  7. 1. God, Dorian is amazing.

    2. Your game produces the most hilarious glitches. XD

    3. I am officially all caught up and can actually stay on top of your updates from now on! (Er, in a totally non-dirty way. I promise.)

  8. Love this legacy so much, you’re such a great writer and OMG the mad world reference killed me!

    But I was wondering if you could get a screencap of their family tree! Would love to see it and all the generations on there! ❤

  9. I had exactly the same issue with Pets. 😦 For some reason, my game can handle everything else, but not all the extra beings that Pets brings. So you and I will be one of the very few who blog without pets.

    Dude, I *hate* it when the game decides the FEMALE pigtail hair is appropriate to put on a male sim. I get at least one every town; and once they age up into it (teen is the first age stage, I believe), then they’ll go back every time they age up! Try an elder male with pigtails!

    Hee, loved Dorian and Sophie’s antics in China! Sophie will be a great addition to the nuthouse. Can’t wait to see their babies!

    • Hi there! Thank you so much for all the comments – and so sorry I haven’t replied sooner! I just had a baby 6 days ago, haha. Hah…oh god I’m so tired please kill me.

      Anyway! Thank you! Your comments made me laugh and helped me forget I’m suffering from massive sleep deprivation.

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