The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 2.9 -Lynchian bathroom antics


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Holy crap. Sorry it’s been so long since my last update but I recently got a new job and have no idea what free time is anymore. But that is probably my own fault considering I told them ‘Yes, please give me all the hours you can. I love money. Social life? Haha no, I don’t need one of those anymore.’ So much regret. I also promise to catch up with commenting on everyone’s legacies soon!
Anyway, at the end of the last chapter I asked you guys to vote on whether to keep Laura and Connor young or not. Well, seems like the majority of you don’t want them to kick the bucket so they’ll be sticking around for good. That strange noise was the sound of the universe throwing up.
Gross. I’m already regretting this.

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Connor now has some kind of elitism complex and insists on dressing like a magician. It probably wont be long until the Darroch family fridge is filled with brown paper bags containing dead doves (do not eat).
Connor: “Magician?! No. I have discovered the secret to eternal youth. I am an OVERLORD. How dare you mock me! Psshaw, like the guy in the 6300 simoleon suit is gonna take criticism from you.”
Whatever, loser.
That’s enough Arrested Development references for one day.

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Connor: “Yes wife! Drink the juices I have spent so long producing!”
Ugh. You know what, Connor? Maybe you should actually record yourself speaking so you know how you sound to other people.

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Laura doesn’t have quite the same ideas as her husband when it comes to style. Instead of trying to look superior, she figured immortality was as good a time as any to stop giving a shit and start wearing a heavy fur coat covered in blue kittens.
I respect that.

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Clearly those furry kittens of Laura’s are quite irresistible…* vomits *
Check out those weird head-veins. I guess that’s the price you pay for immortality. I really don’t want to know if he has them anywhere else, but I guess Laura will find out soon enough.
Holy fuck someone get me another sick bucket please, I never realised I could produce so much of it.

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Connor nearly got penetrated by Ms Asstickler while he was taking a leak. She is living up to her name in the most extreme way possible.
This looks like a Lynchian nightmare and I’m afraid. I swear this game has some of the most horrifying glitches I’ve ever seen.
Connor: “Aim it a bit lower, please.”

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Lily: “Patterns, this is not the right time to start practicing your crappy interpretive dance routines! Who even does that? Get me to the hospital you freakishly limber loser! Also you have no moves.”
Ice cold, Lily. Ice cold.

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A wild baby appeared!
Meet Dorian. He was born with the disciplined and eccentric traits. He loves the colour green just like his older sister and enjoys  Chinese music. His favourite food is cheese-steak.

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I aged Dorian up into a toddler about a minute after he got home because fuck everything about the baby stage. It’s so boring. Ain’t nobody got time for those obnoxious screaming caterpillars.
I gave him a cape, but I can’t remember my reasoning behind that decision (assuming there was any).

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I see those stains. We all know how you really got that promotion.

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Patterns: “Gotta keep fresh and limber.”
I hope these super erotic dance moves don’t somehow tie in with his bizarre crush on his Ovelord father-in-law.
I hope for too much.

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It’s Lily’s birthday! She looks traumatized and I have a feeling it may have something to do with the fact that her parent’s bedroom is right above hers. But who can blame them after becoming youthful again? Connor’s cucumber is no longer suffering from plantacide.
Connor: * blue steel *

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Lily ages up…apparently. I don’t see much of a difference? Usually they get a couple of subtle lines around the mouth, but she seems to have avoided that. Not bad considering she is technically older than her own parents.
Laura: * blows noise maker whilst wearing a bunny suit * “I’m immortal lol yolo”

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I think this might have to become the new banner image for this blog. My favourite thing about it  is how Lily’s lips seem to be trying to escape her face.
They are trying to kiss you through the screen. It’s so intense and weird. She gonna get you.

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So EA released Dragon Valley (I think it should be called Dragonville because it sounds delightfully camp) and I just about flipped my shit because DRAGONS.
So naturally I uprooted all of the Darroch family and moved them over. It is so awesome. The sims populating the place have some really cool genetics.

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Stunning urine waterfall. What more could you ask for? Oh, sweet golden crotch-shine!

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This is a school. What the hell. I want to live here.

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Soon after arriving in Dragonville Patterns aged up, too. Nothing much about him changed either, aside from growing a Laura shaped tumour on his shoulder. The horror.

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Also this happened.

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Remember Albert Darroch, Archer’s child with Shellie? He grew up, too! He is a typical pudding-face and has very boring traits which I didn’t even bother to write down. Honestly this made me realise that picking Lily as heir was not a mistake.

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Guess what, Noelle? This isn’t even a special day because birthdays are so commonplace in this household now. Try not to cry, gosh.

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Noelle rolled the rebellious trait and so I decided to base her teen look around it. You see her rollin’,you step aside because she will probably shank you before screaming about anarchy and what a loose cannon she is.

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This is apparently what anarchy looks like.

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Fritz is carrying a little bit of extra weight due to eating too much leftover birthday cake as a child, but on the plus side he rolled natural cook as his fourth trait so maybe now the Darrochs can stop living off of aging cucumbers and sofa lint.

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Noelle: “Hur-hur oh boy, I am such a rebel. No one has ever been as rebellious as me before. I totally deserve a motorbike.”
You can’t even drive yet.

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Turns out she was filling the shower with ‘special’ water from the local Urine Falls. I’m not sure Patterns approves of his new look. He reminds me of Rocky from The Rocky Horror Picture show.


Noelle rolled this wish. I’ve never seen it before!


Yeeeah, so I’m not sure that wish is going to come true anytime soon considering she makes this face whenever she is forced to make eye contact with her younger brother. Maybe their competitive sides are coming out now that they’ve discovered what an heir is. Or maybe Fritz just let out a super gnarly fart. It is a mystery.


Fritz: “Red square.”
Noelle: “You’re right. Let’s put this sibling rivalry behind us and try to become BFF.”
O-okay? I wish life was this easy. I’m going to start stating ‘red square’ instead of apologising from now on.


No one cares.


Ms Asstickler used her butt to photobomb this image. I hope Dorian is flattered, I mean it’s kind of a big deal. She doesn’t do that for just anyone.
Dorian rolled schmoozer as his third trait.


Noelle’s new room. I’m pretty pleased with how it turned out even though adding another room to the house means that it now looks like even more of an immense clusterfuck from the outside.


So Fritz’s room is kind of boring. I try and make the family bedrooms relevant to the traits of the sim using them, but I wasn’t sure what to do with ‘natural cook’ so I just left a bunch of dishes and cups in there.
You’re welcome, Fritz.


Dorian: “Which book are you reading to me tonight, mum?”
Lily: “This book is called ‘Connor and the Green Pleasure Rocket’ by a sim named Ainsley. It’s all about your Grandfather! Uh…on second thoughts maybe you’re too young for this.”


Noelle is still pretty intent on improving her logic skill and as a result she recently discovered a star, which she decided to name ‘lol butts’.

Other news around Dragonland:Untitled4


But it’s probably true?


How the hell does a snack hawker afford a manor?!

Well, that’s all for now! Hopefully there wont be such a huge gap between this chapter and the next one. Thanks for reading!

Author: janeeyreforce

15 thoughts on “Chapter 2.9 -Lynchian bathroom antics

  1. Ok, so it’s 7:30 here in sunny England and I just got up. Thank you for giving me my first laugh of the day. The picture and reference that went with the glitchy picture of Connor and Ms. Asstickler had me hiccupping into my cup of tea. Haha, hilarious update as always..!

    One of my sims used to wear one of those while he was in the shower. Sims is weird, yo.
    And YAY. I love Laura and Connor. And the crazy cat lady dressing gown. The only logical solution to this is to surround Laura with cats. Do it.

  3. Fritz grew up to be gorgeous like his dad. I can only hope Olly looks like George, I don’t want another little Bree running around in his underwear outside and staring at the house.

    • Fritz is actually kinda funny looking in game, but he appears to be photogenic. I just wish his traits were more interesting. I’m looking forward to Dorian aging up into a teen, I’m curious as to what his dynamic will be like with his siblings.

  4. OMG Patterns makes a fantastic Rocky! Does that mean Lily is Frank Furter, though?

    I’ve had the scary penis-cat glitch, too. No matter how many times I’ve had it, I never seem to grow comfortable with it. It’s always terrifying.

    I want Dragon Valley! So gorgeous!

    • YES. Lily is totally Frank. Maybe I can make them all dress up as the Rocky Horror cast for Spooky day?!

      I kind of hoped Asstickler would stay glitched forever, but that might have been a little too creepy. I don’t want to feel like I’m playing Silent Hill. ;D

      Dragon Valley is seriously amazing! Trust me when I say it’s worth downloading, because even the townies are awesome.

  5. This chapter was awesome, as all other chapters.
    I was cracking up at Noelle’s wish, I don’t think that can happen either, but sims sometimes wish very impossible things. Still, we must give her credit for the good intentions hahaha. Lily looks so much like her father and mother at the same time, is kinda scary how the game can be so realistic in that manner. You can see her face and find Connor in there, and of course she has her mother’s features.
    BTW when Laura knew you were moving them to Dragon Valley, she decided it was only fitted to wear some nice-big-cat-boots. ^ ^

    • Thank you! Sorry there was such a long wait for this one. I need to organise my free time a little better.

      I keep trying to make her wish come true, but it just isn’t happening. She is friends with Fritz, but her hot headed trait keeps rearing its head and the two of them wind up fighting a lot and seemed to be trapped in this ‘frenemies’ relationship. In fact, she does that with everyone. It’s hard for her to make friends because of it, haha!

      Yeah, you are so right! I always thought Lily looked more like Connor, but now that you’ve pointed it out I can definitely see Laura in her too.

  6. So I took a break from the Sims and it accidentally turned out to be over a month and now I realize that I missed like FIVE updates and your heir poll and I am very, very, very sorry.

    You can never have enough Arrested Development references! Come on! (My boyfriend and I have actually had multiple conversations of just AD quotes, so…)

    I approve of Laura’s kitten robe thing. If I were immortal, I’d totally wear that myself. Hell, I’d wear it now, because cats and cat-themed clothing are awesome! Also Connor’s veins are very unsettling. :/

    I totally laughed at Patterns’ face when Lily was in labour! So glamourous, yet so concerned!

    Dorian is so adorable! He has red hair! And a cape! Precious bb superhero EEEEE!

    Laura and Lily’s phone selfie is amazing. I am so glad it’s the new banner! They have the best expressions 😀

    Dragon Valley seems like a great neighbourhood for the Darrochs. It has dragons and a urine waterfall! If there’s a large cucumber garden they’d be in heaven.

    Noelle is a very pretty teen! I like her green streaks and nose ring. Her look really does suit her. Fritz is a cutie too.

    Aaaahhhhh you included Connor and the Green Pleasure Rocket! Yay! I hope Connor enjoyed it and that poor Dorian wasn’t too traumatized. I don’t think it’s entirely appropriate for ANYONE, let alone kiddos.

    I’m terrible at naming stars. lol butts is a great name in my book, considering Aurora discovered a Planet Butts in my game.

    Awesome update! I’ll be going through and commenting on each update you released since my accidental month-long break, so I hope you don’t mind the flood of comments!

    I have to catch up if it kills me godammit
    Dragon Valley is amazingly badass.
    Also yussssss the Doritos and cucumbers will live forever <33
    You will never cease to amaze.

  8. Dragon Valley! I haven’t really played there for any length of time, since I don’t like the medieval thing. But looking forward to seeing the Darrochs make it awesome.

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