The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 2.8 – The one where Asstickler impersonates Sting

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Wow. Sorry that more time than usual has passed between updates. I don’t have a valid excuse, I am just lazy and very easily distracted. I wasn’t even doing anything constructive. I was literally just having a Star Trek: TNG marathon and barely moving. NO REGRETS.
So, the last chapter revolved around the misadventures of Laura, Connor, Noelle and Fritz as they explored one of the tombs in whatever the hell that French Sims place is called. Well, Laura explored them. The rest of the family just kind of stood around looking dead inside.
Before they left the country for good (much to the relief of the locals) Noelle took it upon herself to drive an invisible car. A habit she most likely inherited from her uncle Archer. He used to do that a lot back when he was a child with the most hideous hair known to man.

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As soon as they arrive back in Winchester the family takes this opportunity to glitch out and combine into one mighty Darroch. This, dear readers, was the day cucumber flavour Doritos were bought into existence.

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Patterns: “You’re worthless to me as a brother-in-law. You can’t even balance a book on your penis. UGH WHY DO YOU EVEN EXIST.”
Archer: “Bro, why the hell would I want to balance a book on my dick?”
Patterns: * continues to berate ignorance *
Archer: “Whatever dude. I’m going to the gym to PUMP SOME IRON YEAH. MAYBE WATCH SOME FOOTBAWWWWL. FUCKIN’ SPORTS.”
They’ve never gotten along with each other. They’ll argue to the point of distraction whenever Archer comes to visit. Every. Single. Time.

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It probably makes him feel uncomfortable and violated because you’re his daughter-in-law.
What is up with all the in-laws wanting a piece of Connor’s wrinkled prune ass?

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Lily: “O bby gimme some o’ that sweet brown sugah.”
Patterns: “NOPE.”
They took turns rejecting each other and crushing mountains of self-esteem for a few hours. Hottest foreplay ever.

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The Darroch family adopted another feline companion who they immediately renamed Ms Asstickler. I’m sure the animal welfare folk will be visiting when they hear about that one. Then again, I’m just as guilty. I have a cat with one eye named Woody. One eyed Woody. I’ll just let that realisation sink in for a moment.
Anyway, Asstickler exists to keep Mango company before his balls become swollen beyond all recognition.

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No dude, you really shouldn’t. Please stay they hell away from this family because your caved-in face gives me horrendous nightmares. If I wanted to lose bladder control I would be playing Amnesia.
Also Laura is old in this screenshot because I’m a shitbag who can’t perform basic tasks such as re-ordering images properly.

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“How do ya liksh me now Patternssshhh? * dribbles *”
ohgodwhatthehellisthat

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With her face back to normal, Lily decides to spend the rest of the evening being pregnant and staring into space whilst thinking about ghosts because she is so exciting.

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Patterns finally realised that balancing a book on your penis is in fact quite a hard (ga-chuckle I am 12 and that is funny) task and set about trying to get his brother-in-law’s forgiveness.
“I’m so jacked on protein bars right now I have no idea what is going on, brah. I guess I forgive you for whatever this penis-book thing is you keep talking about.”

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ALSO HOLY SHIT FRITZ FINALLY ROLLED A WISH.
The urge to paint, no less. So I guess he’ll be responsible for painting portraits of his siblings.

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So this happened.
“Laura, my old nemesis! I have never forgiven you for defeating me at the Dorito eating championships! Face me now in an epic battle of the sky, or watch as I cover your house and loved ones with foul smelling orange turds!”

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“Fuck off bitch lol.”
greatcomeback.wav

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“Worst D&D + trampoline session ever. Your roleplaying skills suck. Totally broke my immersion. I wont be coming back, and you can consider yourself banned from my group.”
I’m really not sure which one of them dodged the bullet there. 

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It’s that time again. Which means that Laura throws whatever manners she has left out of the window and attempts to faceplant directly into her birthday cake.
But before she has the chance to do that…

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…the aging process begins. Laura is more than a little bit apprehensive about this. Connor on the other hand is sick of being the only prune-butt in the house and is eager for the company.

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I forgot to mention that since purchasing the water slide Laura spends 99% of her time in swimwear.
Connor is not impressed by the fellow prune-butt. All his enthusiasm has vanished.

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Bonus shot of old!Laura in her bathrobe because elderly sims are adorable.

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Just like her husband and granddaughter, Laura knows how to appreciate the best feature at a party and promptly hobbles off to dive face-first into her birthday cake. The family forgot to buy her a trough.

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Connor: “My darling wifecumber, you’re not wearing your swimsuit for once!”
Laura: “I HAVE SO MANY WRINKLES. SO. MANY. WRINKLES.”
She then ran off crying into the garden and began furiously ripping up plants, letting the soil rain down into her screaming mouth. It was a bit like watching an OAP make a music video for the most metal band ever.

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She managed to calm down after a while and then immediately demanded a walking stick in an attempt to embrace her new role of adorable old lady. Connor made the mistake of suggesting she get a broomstick to match.
…His cucumber is now horribly bruised and slightly bent.

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It didn’t take long for them to make up. Or maybe he’s wincing in pain and she is laughing maniacally? It is a mystery.

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Of course, Ms Asstickler had to malfunction at some point due to making the mistake of actually entering the legacy house. She was stuck like this for a long time, until I realised I should probably reset her. Oh, and that grey crap is the floor glitching out. It does that a lot.

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This actually makes me like Fritz a little bit more. Even if the picture on the bottom right is creepy as hell, but that’s what makes it endearing.
…Look at his freakishly small hand on the top right.

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Noelle: “I AM NOT SATISFIED WITH THE QUALITY OF THESE PHOTOS, FRITZ. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT WEIRD HAND OF YOURS?!”
Fritz: “But-“

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Yeah, you better fucking run Fritz.

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At least these two are getting along nicely. I’m hoping to get some kittens out of Ms Asstickler before Mango pops his clogs. I think he’s pretty old now.

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So it turns out the local alchemy shop is run by a guy with a mousetrap for a face who enjoys dressing as a bunny rabbit.
Okay then.

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Ms Asstickler: “O BBY WILL YOU STAY WITH ME, WILL YOU BE MY LOVE
AMONG THE FIELDS OF BARLEY?”
Mango: “Oh god, please leave me alone!
Ms Asstickler: “WE’LL FORGET THE SUN, IN HIS JEALOUS SKY
AS WE LIE IN FIELDS OF GOLD.”
Turns out Asstickler is a really terrible Sting impersonator.

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So, Connor has recently decided to start getting back into alchemy and chemistry.
Now, here is where things have the potential to get interesting. Laura is having trouble coming to terms with her mortality and sudden influx of wrinkles. Connor is getting sick of her complaining, and is considering making young again potions for the both of them.
Here is my idea: How about setting the challenge of ‘Founders must be present for all 10 generations.’ Of course, I’m putting this up for vote as I know this might not be for everyone, and I’m fifty-fifty on it myself. However if anything, I think it could be interesting and as far as I’m aware it’s not something I’ve seen before.
There’s a poll at the end of the chapter, so vote away! I’ll be checking the results of it as I play to determine which path to go down.

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So, I’m aware that Generation 2 is turning out to be fairly long. I’m hoping to speed things up a bit, so hopefully during the next chapter we’ll get to see Noelle and Fritz as teens, as well as finally meeting the new addition to the family. You guys will then get to vote for the heir! Yay!
Thanks for reading!

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Author: janeeyreforce

eggshelldays.blogspot.co.uk

17 thoughts on “Chapter 2.8 – The one where Asstickler impersonates Sting

  1. “You’re worthless to me as a brother-in-law. You can’t even balance a book on your penis. UGH WHY DO YOU EVEN EXIST.” – I also laugh a lot over penis jokes, so this had me laughing for ages! Oh Patterns and Archer, what a pair!

    Ha, apparently Connor is a silver fox since both Patterns and Shellie want a piece of his cucumber.

    Ms Asstickler…oh my. She’s a very pretty cat, even if Mango was scared of her for a bit.

    I love Laura’s face as she ages into elder! She’s just so unhappy. I’m glad she cheered up after getting her new cane. Maybe she can hit people with it!

    Great update!

    • I am glad that someone else appreciates pen0r jokes, too. I’m hoping there will be some more interactions between Archer and Patterns, they have this weird cycle of arguing and then immediately begging for forgiveness.

      One of my other readers pointed out that he resembles Daniel Craig, so maybe that’s why he’s so popular.

      I’m glad you like Ms Asstickler! Even with that terrible name she manages to look dignified. I hope Mango will get over his fear. He hisses at her a lot. :/

      Haha, yes I think using the cane as a weapon of destruction will probably keep her occupied until she finds out if she’ll be young again or not.

      Thank you lady~!

  2. Laura and Connor 5eva.
    Youuung agaiiin!

  3. Haha a lot of people aren’t pro forever young potions, but something tells me Laura and Connor will remain part of our lives for a quite a bit.
    I didn’t even realized the second generation was still playing, I’m so in love with this family I don’t care, as long as I can keep enjoying their hilariousness. By the way, I like Fritz now as well, this will be hard coming next hair elections T T

    Now I’m off to deal with my own Russian craziness. :p

    • It’s close at the moment, with only a two person difference. I’ll keep an eye on the poll a little longer before I start playing. Oh well, even if they pass-on I’m sure they’ll be very bothersome ghosts!

      Haha, I didn’t notice it either. Lily and Pattern’s don’t have very interesting LTW’s so I kind of forgot about them. I think the upcoming heir vote will probably be fairly close in terms of results. I’m interested to see who will win.

      Have fun~! 😛

  4. I say let the Doritos dust and Cucumber skins live forever. 😛 *For some reason Queen’s Who Wants to Live Forever begins blasting through the speakers, epic 80s Rock Ballad Style*

    I haven’t commented yet, but I found your legacy a few days ago and read through everything, laughing out loud to the point of tears several times over. Your humor is great, and I thoroughly enjoy every chapter. Thanks so much for posting!

    • Yay! Another vote for let them live! It’s pretty close so far, by the looks of it. * rocks out to Queen *

      Thanks so much for commenting, I’m so glad you’re enjoying this legacy it really means a lot to hear that it makes you laugh! ❤

  5. I tied it up by voting to keep them young 🙂 Love those two!

  6. Omg
    Launor must live forever.
    Yes that’s right, you can use that in real life too. I allow you.
    YOUNG AGAAIINNNN ❤

  7. Young again, young again, young again…. Where are my favorite family???? Miss you. 🙂

  8. I voted to let the reaper have them, but ya know, that was like, four months ago, so you’ve probably totally established what you’re going to do at this point. And YAY Fritz Love! I’m not alone!

    • Yup, ended up letting them live. But that might change in later chapters as I’m finding running such a full house is a pain the ass.

      I miss Fritz! I was kinda sad he didn’t win. Could have been fun.

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