The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 1.8 – Hot Coffee


Welcome back to the vomit inducing train wreck that is the Darroch family legacy!
The last time we saw these phallic obsessed, Dorito eating social outcasts they had a wonderfully disastrous trip to the local ice rink, Archer cemented his reputation as a lech, Patterns the IF became even creepier and Laura finally achieved her lifetime wish of becoming an Illustrious Author.
Laura and Connor have been trying to recapture the spark of their marriage through reliving their first real date. As some of you may remember, this involved Laura asserting her dominance by crushing her future husband in a game of FOOTBAWL.

After soothing his sore testes with an ice pack, Connor decided to take Laura to a slightly more romantic location.
Unfortunately I forgot what this place was called, so we will assume it is just a glass room full of cucumbers and hatred. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

“Do you love me more than cucumbers, Connor?”
“Well…a cucumber has never purposefully flushed the toilet while I was in the shower.”


Whilst Laura and Connor get waylaid on their way home due to arguing about the emotional and physical repercussions that cucumbers are having on their marriage, Archer and Lily head off to prom.

Lily certainly cleans up rather well! She bought that ghastly Max fellow with her in the limo, but he seemed to vanish, as did Archer’s date (I have no idea which of his many ladies he chose). I suspect Patterns. I always suspect Patterns.

Keepin’ it casual, Archer? I would say that I’m surprised they let him in, but I suspect he’s been boning laying on the charm rather thick to every last one of the faculty members.

Meanwhile, in the Darroch household…Connor discovers that examining his wife’s lady garden is the key to advancing within his career.

I wasn’t particularly surprised that Archer won the title of Prom King considering he is a testosterone riddled jock with meat truncheons for arms, but I wasn’t expecting the socially reserved Lily to become Prom Queen. Hmm. Maybe she used a death fish to get rid of the competition.

By the way, Archer temporarily turned into a bike.

So I took a walk on the wild side and built something other than a giant rectangle. It’s slightly larger than the previous version of the legacy house, but not by much. Mostly I just moved the rooms around and did some redecorating.

Lily and Archer’s new room.

A slightly less cumbersome bathroom. The previous one used to cause a ton of route errors so there would always be a crowd of sims standing outside of it tapping their feet.

The colour scheme of Laura and Connor’s room hasn’t changed much. Though I do rather like the red windows.

The kitchen is my favourite area. Though I am a little sad that I’ve been able to build them a decent house so quickly. Connor has been constantly getting promotions, Laura has been getting royalty checks from her books, and Lily has a part time job.
I like it when the ‘poor’ stage lasts longer. It’s fun. Oh well, lesson learned.

To no one’s surprise, Archer found himself another new girlfriend. They had their first date in the bathroom next to an overflowing toilet surrounded by a moat of urine.
Ah. Such romance.
You’re a damn hoe, Archer.

‘How to Build a Snowman with Lily Darroch’.
This thrilling series will be airing never.

Now that Laura has achieved her Lifetime Wish, she doesn’t seem to know what to do with herself. Mostly I find her sat at the kitchen table with a hot beverage in hand. I regret buying them that machine. The family are obsessed with it.

AGH. She is so adorable I just want to inject a ton of testosterone into myself and then smack her into outer space with my giant man hands.
Also, she looks a little like Kate Bush.

Finally, she found something other than delicious caffeine to keep her occupied by starting her own comic series. Well, if there is one way to combine her skill sets, this would be it.
…The amount of orange in her comic makes me suspicious.

Meanwhile, Mango was eaten by the bath.

Archer couldn’t get out of his bed due to the sheer weight of the huge and meaty tumors that had replaced his arms.

Actually, it was just because Patterns was creepin’ and blocking the way. Though why on earth sims can’t just step over small objects is beyond me.
It’s like in any JRPG where a small rock or plant is blocking the path. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST CLIMB OVER IT. I DON’T WANT TO DO A FETCH QUEST.

No, that isn’t a dreamy expression on his face. He is actually just suffering a brain aneurysm because he can’t remember which girl he is currently dating.

Lily took it upon herself to improve her charisma. It didn’t work.
It could be that the picture of the strange child with no relation to the Darrochs taped to the mirror was distracting her.

“Remember, a bagged cucumber is a protected cucumber.”
Very sage advice from Connor. He just oozes with wisdom.
Lesson: Everyone in the house is creepy. Everyone.

Connor proceeded to cook a plate of tuna steaks seasoned with cucumber slices for no reason. Seriously. His hunger bar was completely full and he had no food related wishes.

Connor suffered a mental breakdown upon realizing he had thoughtlessly cut up and served one of his phallic green babies as a tasty meal.
He stayed in that corner for quite a while and everyone completely ignored him.

Realising that Mango is the only living organism in the house possessing some form of empathy, Connor decides to elongate his lifespan.
If he loves Mango so much maybe he should have just married him, gosh.

So, now you all know what was inside that gift box Connor gave to Lily in the previous chapter!

This went on for quite some time. It was like the most flashy awkward silence ever.

Welp. I’m presently surprised. No noticeable deformities and he even looks normal from the side.
I decided to change his clothes. I’m really not a fan of the IF suit ensemble.

Archer makes a new ‘friend’ everyday. I’ve lost track by this point, just like he has.
So, next time! What will happen between Lily and Patterns? Will Archer ever settle down? Will Connor and Mango run off into the sunset together?!
All these questions will be answered next time~


Author: janeeyreforce

19 thoughts on “Chapter 1.8 – Hot Coffee

  1. I read this just after you published it then I got too buys to leave a comment. SHAME ON ME!

    What’s with Connor and Laura aiming things at each other’s crotches? It doesn’t make sense, but then it does because it’s something they’d totally do.

    Lily’s prom dress is beautiful! Archer’s outfit is not.

    “Remember, a bagged cucumber is a protected cucumber.” Oh Connor and cucumbers never gets old!

    Archer’s become kind of cad, hasn’t he? Leave some of the pretty ladies for everyone else, dude! And stop creeping on the maid! I also totally laughed when he turned into a bike for some reason.

    Patterns turned out to be quite good-looking! Will he and Lily become an item?

    Looking forward to the wacky chapter and I’m so sorry for the late comment!

    • Hey, no worries! A late comment is still a comment. Essays and exams are far more important!

      They are quite a bizarre couple. I guess now that they’ve popped out a couple of kids they don’t need to worry about each other’s fertility anymore, hence the crotch abuse.

      I looove Lily’s dress. Quite possibly my favourite bit of CC. I’m really annoyed that Archer didn’t stay in his suit. >:{

      Yeah, Archer is a ho. It’s really irritating whenever he brings a new girl over because the entire family freak out and start yelling at him, haha! I hope he finds someone a little more permanent soon.

      I was surprised by Patterns. He’s cute! I hope he and Lily become an item. I think they’d make some adorable babies together. ❤

      Thanks for commenting~!


    I just started reading this and I love it soso much.

  3. I love this chapter. It has to be my favorite yet.
    Everything was extremely amusing, from Archer turning into a bike (how the hell??), mango being eating by the bathtub, Connor loving mango and not loving his wife more than cucumbers, to finally the transformation of Patterns… wow, he looks handsome too. Lovely!! Cannot wait to see if all that was implied at the end will in fact happen!

    • Thank you! I rather like it too, although I actually struggled whilst writing this one, plus it got downvoted to hell on Reddit. xD But whatever, the community over there can be very upvote happy some days, and very downvote happy if you catch them on the wrong day. Que sera sera. I’m still gonna churn out chapters. ;D

      Yeah I really have no idea how or why Archer turned into a bike. I had to use the moveObjects cheat to fix it by deleting every bike on the lot, including ones that were apparently in use. It seems to have fixed the problem for now at least and it only seemed to affect Archer. No one else turned into a bike, thankfully.

      As for Patterns and Lily… Hint: It will probably totally happen. Okay, so that was more of a confirmation than a hint.

      • Hahaha yes it totally was.

        I didn’t know you had this chapters are Reddit. To be honest I’m not one to be involved in many other sites, like I don’t Twitter and until recently I didn’t have a tumblr. I’ll check it out and see what it is about.

        Finals are killing me, but I have a few breaks in between to read the stories 🙂

      • My chapters as well as a lot of others have been downvoted. I suspect downvote goblins.

      • Me too. Those dastardly goblins! >:{

  4. i love your writing, you’re hilarious.

  5. LOL. WTF Connor. I laughed when to advance with his career he has to examine Laura’s lady garden. LMAO

  6. Where did you get Lily’s prom dress from, it’s so beautiful! I love it when lace looks like lace in the game.

    And wow, Puzzles looks pretty nice. Not even a Face One! Hopefully Lily and Patterns get together, would love to see that hair colour in the legacy.

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