The Darroch Legacy

A Sims 3 Legacy blog

Chapter 1.4 – Special sauce


Welcome back to the Darroch legacy! The last time we saw the family Laura gave birth to the newest addition to the clan, Archer Darroch. Lily Eve aged up into a child and Connor began suffering from swollen nipples; the only cure for which turned out to be an expensive day at the spa and overpriced gourds.
Anyway, much to my surprise Lily actually made an attempt to socialise with a human, as opposed to fish and the lump of lard that calls itself the family pet. After school she was invited over to spend time at her new friend’s house. I can’t remember their name right now, but seriously who really gives a crap?
When I clicked over to Lily she appeared to be on the right track to completely alienating everyone by chopping all her hair off and naming herself Overlord 2013 whilst demanding that the household bow before her might.

I was so distracted by Lily that I completely missed out on Archer aging up into toddlerhood! The poor guy didn’t even get a birthday cake, he was just sat all alone on the kitchen floor when it happened. Connor was outside ejaculating with excitement over his prized vegetables and I’m not entirely sure what Laura was doing. Then again, half the time I don’t really want to know. I’ll assume she was digging lint out of her ass or something equally unsavoury.
Archer seems to be a male clone of Laura with his teeny tiny mouth, which I rather like considering Lily was the female version of Connor. Neato!

Connor’s wave of sympathy pregnancy hormones seem to be over and he no longer cries himself to sleep whilst listening to 80’s love ballads. Although he seems to have developed a strange problem with his eyes. Possibly an allergic reaction to the cucumber slices, or simply due to all that crying.

“Gurr hurr hurr! *gargles* You will never defeat the Overlord!”
“I would really love it if you went home right about now. Could you also give my parents permission to get out of the POW position?”
“No. Overlord 2013: New year, new rules.”
“Seriously. Get out of my house and don’t talk to me ever again.”

Turns out our resident Overlord (2013) isn’t immune to getting her feelings hurt, so she runs to the one person in the house who is always ready with a hug and a supply of cucumber slices. He also seems to have the ability to graft his face onto the head of anyone who comes near him.

Soon enough, Lily is ready to unleash her wrath once more. This time within the confines of her own home. Archer looks on in helpless horror as it finally begins to dawn on him what sort of household he has been born into.

I like Lily. If she wants to do something then she’ll just damn well do it. Including pretending to be a dinosaur for three hours. I honestly wish I had that kind of dedication myself, I feel like my life would be a lot more enjoyable if I took some time out every now and then to get in touch with my inner dinosaur. Though if you asked my husband, he’d probably say I already do.
* ba-dum-tish *

“Look at this face. This is a face that could launch one thousand ships. Would you like to know my secret? Well, I’ll tell you. Cucumbers. Beautiful, supple, thick, firm cucumbers. I love them. I rub them all over my face on a daily basis. This cake? It’s just layers of cucumber slices covered in salad dressing and I’m going to eat every last bit.”

Let this be a lesson on the dangers of cucumber addiction. As soon as Connor entered adulthood his face caved in on itself and his eyebrows disappeared. His screams could be heard for miles, as could mine.

Luckily for Connor, exiting the game and then reloading seemed to fix the issue despite the fact that I stupidly saved right after his horrific transformation.
“Oh dear heart, please promise me you’ll never touch another cucumber again.”
“Of course not! But you’ll still touch mine, right?”

Another ruined moment bought to you by the Darroch household. Oh, and that one weird guest doing a funky dance.

Archer has got the right idea. He learned to walk before he could talk or stop crapping himself, to be honest he’ll probably have a much easier time out there in the wild than he will within the clutches of his Dorito obsessed mother and cucumber loving father.

These pop ups kept telling me that Patterns wanted to come out and play. At first I thought it was just the game being creepy (give me a break, it was like 2am) and I ignored them, until for some reason or another I dragged Patterns out of Lily’s inventory and this happened.

I’m far more amused by this than I probably should be. In fact its got to the point where I actively avoid clicking on Lily just because I like to pretend she’s finally descended into the depths of madness due to the acute pain of severe loneliness.
…Maybe that’s a little dark.

Connor spends his time questioning his daughter’s sanity from a safe distance and groping his secret cucumber collection. He’s been using a very special type of fertilizer. Home brewed and everything!

“Ahaha, oh Patterns! You’re such a card! Let us frolic amongst the autumn leaves!”
I just wanted to show off the pretty view from their front garden. I’m insanely jealous because whenever I look out of my window all I see is a brick wall and an unkempt hedge. It doesn’t even have leaves. It’s just bits of dry twig.

Archer spends a lot of time outside wandering around the garden in the rain. Nobody seems to care. In fact sometimes I suspect that Laura and Connor have forgotten about the fact that they had a second child. Especially Laura, I don’t think she’s actually interacted with him yet aside from taking him home after popping him out.

For a moment I thought I was wrong and that perhaps Laura’s well hidden maternal instinct might rear its head and make an appearance. However, it turned out she just wanted to steal Archer’s birthday wish by blowing out his candles for him. She isn’t cruel, she just gets really excited around food and ceases to function like an adult.

Archer grew up with this hair. Nature played a cruel joke and I don’t intend to ruin it. Everyone needs an awkward stage they can look back on and cringe about in their later years.

Can someone please explain to me why the university mascot deems it worthwhile to drop off an aptitude test to a household that contains two barely functioning adults with two children who are way too young for uni?

Great. I’m sure having a grown man dressed in a llama costume break into the house is just what everybody needs in order for their evening to feel complete. I know that’s exactly what is missing from my life right now.

I’m just helping nature.

I’m an idiot and despite including a picture of the exterior with the last update, I forgot the interior. So here you go. I like the ocean theme of the kids room.

Late one night whilst Laura is sound asleep face down in the remains of her youngest child’s birthday cake, Connor packs up the kids and a selection of his finest cucumbers (all of varying thickness and length) into the car and leaves forever without looking back.
Laura died shortly after due to cake exposure.

Woah guys, take the noose down. I was totally joking. What a clever ruse, right? Right.
They went fishing. It was really boring and nothing happened.
See why I felt the need to concoct something a little spicier?

Actually, I tell a lie. Lily managed to catch a fish bigger than her entire body so I suppose that falls under the category of ‘interesting’, at least for her.

So this happened.
Mango decided to further display his lard-like qualities by diving head first into an abandoned plate of leftover birthday cake.

After an exhausting day of mind numbing boredom, the children decide to head off to bed incredibly early before their brains began to leak out of their ears in an attempt to escape the clutches of their monotonous reality.

“Hey kid, I made pancakes for everyone but then I decided that I deserved them more. * belches * There’s a wedge of birthday cake in the fridge so eat that and shut up.”

For some reason when Connor aged up into an adult he also decided to don a pair of outrageously garish boxer shorts. Apparently the boxers of lurve also had a direct effect on his libido, because his cucumber was on top form all day much to Laura’s glee.

Lily graduated from the Scouts! She’s since washed it off, but her hands were covered in fish guts. Lily isn’t one for giving speeches you see, so she thought a live demonstration of the skills she learned would be much more effective.
The school is still trying to remove the stench from the auditorium.

On her way home she was photo bombed by a passing deer. First the horse, and now this. I wouldn’t be surprised if the local wildlife had its own myspace page. Or instagram. Whatever it is that people use these days.
…Get off my lawn!
~End of Chapter 1.4~

Author: janeeyreforce

7 thoughts on “Chapter 1.4 – Special sauce

  1. Oh, I needed this today, as I’m sure you can guess from the fact that I’m reading Sims legacies instead of doing something Easter-related.

    Anyway, it was very funny, I love the Darrochs so far!

    …also, I am fairly certain that Archer just might be my illegitimate child. If you need proof, just look at my avatar. He gets his hair from me. 😛

    • Aw, thank you! I’m glad I could make your day a little brighter. How was your Easter, anyway? 😀

      It is just about the best hair EVER. I’ve been wanting to use it on a sim for a while now but never got around to it, so when Archer grew up with it I just about flipped my shit.

      • Easter is seeming much better now, thankfully! I just worked very late last night, then our son was up at the crack of dawn screaming for his basket lol. It made for I rough, grumpy morning on my part.

        Anyway, I hope you’re having a lovely day!

  2. I’m taken aback with Connor when he wonders about his daughters sanity, if he could only see it in himself? Hahaha. I don’t think he is much better than Laura in that aspect, but he certainly is a good father. I’m really enjoying this legacy. 🙂

    • Connor is hands down my favourite sim EVER. I thought he was so boring at first, but then he just became nuttier and nuttier. I’m glad you’re enjoying him, too! 😀

  3. Woah poor Conner. WTF happened to his poor face entering adult hood. I lol’d. Poor guy, looks like he needs a face visit. Did he shave his eyebrows? When my female sims age up to adult hood, the game usually gives them the stupid lame girly pig tails with the red ribbon, this game is a pain sometimes. >.<

  4. Archer is so cooot! I like that tiny mouth on the toddler, it works for him. Do Connor and Laura have the same colour hair, it seems both the kids have the same hair colour – I think it’s Connor’s?

    OMG, I have not seen that glitch before! Holy terrifying face! Thank goodness reloading the game fixed it, would not have wanted him to get stuck like that.

    I like the dark thinking – good to know I’m not the only one who has these kinds of thoughts about what is, ostensibly, a children’s game.

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